just call me twitchy..because my eye is twitching...

I'm really tired. Partly it's my fault for staying up so late thinking I could watch a scary movie and be okay. No though, it's never okay.  And then there are the neighbor kids who scream incessantly.  I think they are the sole reason my dreams have taken a particularly violent turn in the mornings.  Well probably in addition to my pent up frustration about the goobers I "date," yes, more dating dilemmas in Amanda's life, please tell us more?
How about this guy that I was a bit (that being a gross understatement) giddy about but due to somewhat recent events, namely his reactions to my requests of wanting him to date me, things have since been deemed as over according to myself.  I'll be honest, I still find him very attractive, and quite immaturely I am sure, get annoyed when he IMs me at work.  Either date me or don't talk to me.  Come on! (read in Gob's voice from Arrested Development and if you don't know what that is, don't talk to me) Anyway, on Saturday I was really having one of those days and I couldn't wait to get off work and drive to Provo and eat some Korean food and hang out with my friend.  First of all, I felt like I was in Korea again, it made me very nostalgic. Second of all, we saw the Joker pacing in front of an abandoned building. It was terrifying.  Then we decided to go to "the great and spacious building" to check out this huge halloween party.  I follow my friend into the crowd and hear my name repeatedly, look over, and who do I see?
Just guess
Joaquin Phoenix.
No really.
And he knew my name. Get out of town!
I'm just kidding.
It wasn't really Joaquin Phoenix. But that is the name I am going to give him.  This guy I just "dated" the aforementioned ... dude...
I was just thinking, 'of all places, really? I end up next to Joaquin in this crowd of hundreds of people...'
*eye roll*
I know I am mature.  On the outside though I played it cool.
So there's that.

Update: somehow I ended up dating him again at a future point. It went better this time, except way worse. He was more open and then got mad at me for not "opening up enough" to him. Later conversations would reveal that he meant intimately, physically. I am not really sure if he realized how euphemistic and possibly Freudian he was being when he said that. Also, I almost ended up being roommates with his aunt by pure happenstance, and his new nickname is Condom Couch. I think that about sums it up. 

This list is a list of the things I like

So just over a year ago I flew home from my LDS mission in Seoul, Korea.  Stepping off the plane I felt like the above video.  It tried and tested me more than anything else in my life. But, I wouldn't take it back for the world.  That being said, I would rather slit my wrists and do push-ups in salt water than do it again. Really though it was the greatest experience of my life.  It's true what they say, about developing character from difficulties. Like photography; we develop from the negatives and in the dark.

walking paradox-- cross country snowboarding

Overly open yet awkward in public.
I'm sure I have written a post to this effect before, but certain things stand to be reiterated, for comedic effect I suppose.
Like when someone I basically dated/hung out with regularly for 3 weeks with tells me that I need to be more sensitive.
Ha he ho ha hi ho he ... uh hoo ah!
I recall a post I wrote a while back about HSP (Happy Special People---aka Highly Sensitive Persons and how I totally am one) I mean I could be wrong, but I am pretty sure I know myself pretty well...
I mean, I have lived with myself for going over 23 years now. Unless I really am sitting in a wheel chair in a mental hospital somewhere imagining all of this. In that case... this is awkward.

And I lost my head but found the one that I love

How is it that my brain, heart, emotions, logic, beliefs, intuition, etc. all be telling me such conflicting things.  I feel like I want to crawl under a rock and never come out. Except I really don't.  I'm just being impatient. But oh how I am being refined, I am sure.  God wants me to be happy so I know I don't need to settle. Just need to wait. And oh the places I'll go in the meantime.

lover's eyes

But do not ask the price I pay,
I must live with my quiet rage,
Tame the ghosts in my head,
That run wild and wish me dead.
Should you shake my ash to the wind
Lord, forget all of my sins
Oh, let me die where I lie 
Neath the curse of my lover's eyes.

All of their lyrics are perfect. Always. 

Holy Crap

I love conference. But trying to watch it with my aunt's family makes me want to do unspeakable things. There aren't enough words in the English dictionary to describe the exhaustion I feel after that experience.  Mostly I wanted to escape, but inexplicably, I feel an even greater need for a vacation. At one point I came to a crossroads as I was getting inundated with incessant noise, chaos, and "myrickness" and I decided the only foreseeable way out was to just break down and cry. It was quite comical actually.  It even calmed the storm for a moment. I am still working on a prototype for that emotional shield that will keep me from being barraged with thoughts, perceptions, and feelings from everyone around me.  If I don't figure it out soon, I fear I will collapse from the exhaustion of it all.  I don't expect people to really understand this concept.  Apparently I am difficult to understand according to the last boy I "dated" but... in true Amanda fashion, what I say to that.... whatever.

Humbled

http://speeches.byu.edu/?act=viewitem&id=326

Life is so amazing.  I really love it.  I really don't know what I would do without the gospel of Jesus Christ.  Even when people are so mean to me, I feel God near me, reminding me that I have worth and that amazing things are in my future, if I just have patience, patience to weed through the lousy, petulant creatures some are inclined to call "men." I don't hate men.  I'm just tired of allowing so much from them and everyone else to take from my identity and self-confidence. I feel that until I learn how to stop doing that, I need to stop dating, or trying to. Because until then, I will keep attracting the same person.  Committed to misunderstanding me, belittling and criticizing me, and withholding the truth.This has been a particularly eye-opening experience I must say. For the first time I felt that I was nothing but mature in my dealings with him (as opposed to my dealings of the past), and had nothing but good intentions. In a way I feel sad for him, and whatever he has been through that has led him to become so bitter and difficult and closed off.  My eyes have been opened to how blinding "love" can really be. I am just grateful I could find out now and not after I get married as was the case with my mom.

Home

Normally I hate American Idol and "mainstream" stuff. But holy crap I love this song. It is so perfect for right now.



Hold on, to me as we go
As we roll down this unfamiliar road
And although this wave is stringing us along
Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home

Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home

Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home

settle down, it'll all be clear
don't pay no mind to the demons 
they fill you with fear
the trouble it might drag you down
if you get lost you can always be found

just know you're not alone
cause i'm gonna make this place your home

all that you wanted...

The look.  The look I give.  Sultry, that is the word he used to describe it.  But it didn't work, nope, he still hasn't kissed me.  But that's okay...

update: This was Joaquin/Condom Couch... I did kiss him in the end, but as so many things help me to realize... what we think we want most isn't always right. I recently read something so beautiful and telling about situations like this:

“I am trying to see things in perspective. My dog wants a bite of my peanut butter chocolate chip bagel. I know she cannot have this, because chocolate makes dogs very sick. My dog does not understand this. She pouts and wraps herself around my leg like a scarf and purrs and tries to convince me to give her just a tiny bit. When I do not give in, she eventually gives up and lays in the corner, under the piano, drooping and sad. I hope the universe has my best interest in mind like I have my dog’s. When I want something with my whole being, and the universe withholds it from me, I hope the universe thinks to herself: "Silly girl. She thinks this is what she wants, but she does not understand how it will hurt.”

— THEORIES ABOUT THE UNIVERSE by Blythe Baird

but I would replace the universe with God. Personally. 

The one that you are looking for, you're not gonna find her here

it's embarrassing how transparent I am.  When someone points out the "love in your eyes" it is terrifying.  I want to be invisible.  As soon as I start thinking of how I would feel if it doesn't work out, I'm absolutely terrified.  That's all there is to it.  The idea put in my head from that one phrase, "maybe you're too eager" The problem is, that's who I am. Not just in boyfriend/girlfriend relationships, but every relationship; too eager to please, to drop everything to help them, but what do I get in return? I don't know how to be different.  I learned from my mom I guess who does everything for my dad and then some, despite him treating her like dirt most of the time.
Yeah I drove him to Lowe's to get something to break into his car with since he locked his keys in there, but I would have done that for anyone. It's driving me nuts, with every other guy I was so oblivious and most times, aloof, usually not realizing they liked me until it was too late or at least until the stage when I wasn't the one freaking out about whether or not they liked me.  But this time is different.  I just want to skip ahead to the part where I don't have to worry if he is going to suddenly stop liking me and marry that other girl.  I would be lying to say that didn't bother me, until now anyway it didn't, I don't think, but it hit me hard today.  So I want it to work out, but that other part of me keeps yelling "run away" because I can't handle another heart break, I really don't think I can.
It doesn't help that seemingly everyone around me is in a relationship and the people at work who set me up are always probing me for details and gasping when he walks by.

and there will come a time, you'll see...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b0LNhIaGAUw

this song is so good.

My heart is full of things i want to write, I just don't quite know where to begin, for fear that putting it down in words will only trivialize what I feel.  I feel on the edge of something huge, something good.  It's more than just connecting with someone; I feel change.  Change within myself.  Acceptance, forgiveness, peace.

knocked me off my feet again.

latest gem from my dad: "I don't get why you're so upset, I apologized to you I'M NOT EVEN SORRY FOR WHAT I SAID I wasn't trying to hurt your feelings, I knew it would hurt when I said it"

me: "it just reminded me of when I was little and you would always say things like that and it hurt my feelings"

him: "we NEVER said anything negative or critical of you when you were little we only built you up"

 HA. ha. hA. Ha. HA! no never... I never (every day for those who don't get sarcasm) hid under my bed as a child crying because of all the "stupid" things I did that weren't good enough for him.

that was my queue to leave.

I'm sorry I'm not sorry.  Contradiction King.  If you ever want to learn how to go insane in the least amount of time possible with the most damage, just follow him around for a day and try to make him proud.

When am I going to break this cycle?

I don't know when I will finally learn that I need to stop trusting him.

"...drunk and grumbling on about how I can't sing...but all you are is mean.  and a liar and pathetic and alone in life and mean.  " -Taylor Swift "Mean"
 I have never related more perfectly to a song than this.  It's unreal.

Freaking Chuck Bass

What a mother chucker.  ha.  I hate that I started watching that show but I can't stop.  And it just proves everything that is wrong with the world.  Why we want them to be together so bad and just excuse all of the terrible things he has done.  Yet I still want a guy to love me like Chuck Bass loves Blair Waldorf.  Just can he have the same beliefs as me and never cheat on me or anything like that?

I wish my name was clementine

I am on a new quest.  Well it's not really new, but I am determined now.  A quest to learn to love myself, to find self-worth, to be my own best friend, and to overcome my PTSD and anxiety.  I've had a lot of humbling experiences lately and am realizing I need to learn how to forgive myself and stop beating myself up.  To say it is difficult would be a vast understatement.  I guess I just want to feel supported without getting scared and pushing it away. 

Elizabethtown

All time favorite movie.  Being held the way I want to be held while listening to this song while watching this movie. I'm okay with that.  Even if that's all that is going to come of it.  I will be okay with it.

Your thoughts begin to bleed

 I never really comprehended or experienced the kind of joy that overwhelms the emotions and body to the point of tears until the last couple of months.  I remember glimpses from my younger years, but they have become more expansive on the spectrum of human emotion.  They wanted to put me on mood stabilizers once...no, nobody who could actually prescribe it to me, only those who thought they could tell me what I needed, but they were wrong.  It sounds so cliche but I have never really fit in, no matter how hard I tried.  I didn't seem happy for a number of reasons but looking back the biggest one was due to the fact that I wasn't true to myself around those people I tried fitting in with.  It still happens and when it does I realize I am much happier alone.  I've tried analyzing what I must be doing wrong to not win friends but I could never seem to come up with an answer that put me doing something any worse than other people I saw who seemed to have no problem making and keeping friends.  I'm not going to a singles ward anymore, at least for a while.  A few people asked if it was because I was getting married.  I had to suppress a laugh.
There are others like me.  I run across them from time to time. I  feel happy knowing I am not the only one.

Yikes I have not been this busy or stressed since the mission. But it's good.  Life is good.  It's just flying by and that is what scares me.  Good things are happening but I am still a little afraid.  I desperately need to learn how to budget.  I need to remember to take my breaks at work and to go to sleep earlier.  Getting off at nine just leaves me so wired and wanting to stay up late to make up for the time I was at work.  Bad idea.  I really really am fine not dating right now.  It's kind of weird.  Like I go on dates and have fun and stuff, but I don't really care too much if they call me again.  But of course that will probably change.  I'm going to see Moonrise Kingdom tomorrow finally and I can't freaking wait. 

anxiety

I haven't had anxiety dreams in a while.  But this morning was a doozy.  I almost didn't wake up in time to go to the gym.  First I found out I was pregnant, heaven knows how... and my first thought in the dream is well I guess I am going to have to be better at taking my prenatal vitamins now... then I was at work and I messed something up and my boss was being a jerk and told me I wasn't going to get to keep my promotion because I was so stupid.  I almost started crying and kept telling her it was an accident and it would never happen again. (my boss isn't even a girl)  Ugh I'm glad neither of those things really happened. Also I realized a common factor in my relationships I think...I keep getting dumped because I seem to no longer be interested in them, or I am not 'reciprocating' or at least that's what they tell me.  Oh well.

i swear everyone i know is pregnant.  My good news? Job promotion plus eating healthy and working out is finally paying off. I could even go get back on the wii fit and it wouldn't yell at me for gaining weight because I have officially lost 20 pounds since they tested my thyroid in korea!  So even though my relationships keep getting shorter to the point where I'm not even going to get a second date anymore, at least I have a slammin' body now. 

Oh what I wouldn't do if I had you babe...

Yeah I am on chick flick, sappy romantic blah overload.  I am dying.  But I got the stuck cd out of my laptop, yay!  #firstworldproblemsamirite??!!


Ok that was stupid.  Let's just put it this way.  I am really happy with myself right now.  Confidence is no longer something I feel like I have to stretch for.  I am content on my own.  I am learning how to be my own best friend.  I want to dance. 

That is all.

I just have a lot of feelings okay?

Like the Hunger Games, and I can't even.  It's just... eunnhhhh.  I'm like 37% finished and already I can feel the book boyfriend depression coming on and the pit of despair that follows such horrible amazing gloriousness.
Like how I have to eat, but stress stomach + food = poison and lots of sickness and me in a bad mood but less light-headed, I guess?
Like how all I do is work but I am running out of tv shows to watch on hulu and I have no food or time to go grocery shopping so I have been subsisting on vitamins mostly (my life is so hardddd.......)
I can't talk to my parents anymore about my feelings. 
I have to go punch dance out my rage in a forest now.  Like Kevin Bacon.  In case you didn't get that reference...go watch Footloose.  Either one will do really. 
And I've been having a Matthew McCoijioeajaoifjiejh ...na hey... marathon with my roommate over the last several nights.  Yes I like things after their time...

Ok fine, I started reading the Hunger Games and I don't ever want to stop.  I'm crying.  And I like One Direction.  That is all.  Oh and obsessing over Solomon Burke right neow.  And I didn't mind the new Footloose, actually quite liked it.  And, and, I've been sleeping like 12 hours a day because my room doesn't get light and I am pretty sure I don't have an internal clock.  I never claimed to be normal.

Singles Ward

I didn't want to go to church.  Ever again. Then my roommate manipulates me into going and I sit by the guy she wants to talk to since she hesitated a little.  So I break the ice at first and then make up an excuse that I need to get a drink so I tell her to scoot next to him so I won't have to climb over her when I come back.  Really I wanted her to sit by him in the first place and it works because he asks her out.  Then I talk to everybody except for the guy I wanted to talk to.  Right when I am about to say something to him, mr. ward missionary comes up to me and gives me and awkward side hug.  Ugh.  Then fast forward to sunday school and I'm commenting every 5 minutes because I know what it feels like to be a teacher and not have people participate  and then my phone decides to start saying the chapter, {deep man voice} "chapter 36, families can be eternal..." I frantically jab at the screen, almost cursing, lamenting the fact that I just had to get an iphone.  Then in classic Amanda fashion I creepily lean in and ask him what his name is after class is over as we are putting up chairs.  And that was that.  And now I can't stop thinking about him.  The unrealistically attractive boy with the talent. 

I'm a mormon

This has sort of been bothering me for awhile, the bishop in my ward is always saying that we need to be good examples and not doing anything that might be a "stumbling block" to those who are weak, who might see us doing bad things and not want to come to church because our actions are contrary to our beliefs, and he has been emphasizing how we need to reach out to and befriend those who are struggling, alone, etc.  While that is all true and good and something everyone should do regardless of their religious beliefs, I still find myself bothered.  As someone who has never really had friends I could truly count on when things got tough, never really had someone who would encourage me to keep going (to church and whatnot) I had to rely on myself.  If I only went to church because of friends or people who reached out to me and made me feel welcome, and nobody ever did anything wrong, then I would absolutely never go to church again.  No that may help some people, but that's not what keeps me going or has ever encouraged me to, simply because I have never experienced any of those things, but my own salvation and happiness is too important to me to let it fall into the hands of another careless person.  I keep going and fighting because I know it is true and always will.  Despite everything else, despite the imperfections and lack of decency on the parts of others, I keep going and always will because it is what I know and believe to be true.  I know that God is my Loving Heavenly Father, and that Jesus Christ is my Savior.  People will always be imperfect and make mistakes, but the one thing I know I can always rely on is the truthfulness of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

Complaints

ok first,  I am so grateful for pretty much everything in my life right now.  I have this amazing job, I just got a raise AND full-time status.  It isn't stressful, I get to watch movies/tv shows on hulu between calls if I do well on my weekly tests (lately I have done extremely well) I now make enough money to move out and pay for everything and hopefully save a little on the side.  My new room is huge and I plan on going to IKEA on my next day off.  My car is fantastic and driving a stick makes me feel like a total bad ass..  My hair looks good.  My skin is clearer than ever.  I am almost to my pre-mission weight.  Besides the underlying family drama, everything is pretty darn comfortable right now.  But if I think too much, it's uggghhh.  I guess in a way it might stem from unintentionally comparing myself to others.  Or the whole "life isn't fair, blah" complaint.  But mostly it is the annoyance I feel when I realize how guys don't respect me (said like a hard new yorker: you wanna hear stories?? I got stories. I'm stuck in a pacino, a hoo ahh

why is it that just when everything is starting to feel whole again, it all has to fall apart? I was beginning to feel silly for ever having felt so scared and hurt, but it all came rushing back too quickly and with too much familiarity. Also, I am quite literally addicted to buying makeup, Sephora is like crack to me.  And it only makes me feel better for a little while, then the guilt hits along with all the other emotions that I'm drowning in.  I can't even make excuses for him anymore.  I had come to terms with it, gotten over it, forgiven him, etc. etc. etc.  But it always happens again in that engulfing anxiety you wish you could hide from forever.   I am determined, I will learn how to trust.  Just not him.

That's So Raven

sometimes I look at pinterest and I say to myself, "that's so mormon" then other times I look at tumblr and I say, "that's so not mormon"

This stuff is the bomb dot com

BB Cream

Thank heavens for Amazon and being able to order stuff of this here internetz.

I remember the stupid things...you don't dream for me no.

Out of all the guys I have dated, there was only one left that isn't married yet, but he just got engaged.  But that one may have totally been my fault since I may have freaked out a little when he tried to kiss me, which made him hate me... I wonder why...I mean don't get me wrong, totally happy for them, I just find it funny, my super power if you will, of getting guys married I guess. 
On an unrelated note; soy sauce.  Add that to the list of can't eats. 
I should be trying to sleep right now since I have to work in the morning for eight hours and then work for probably eight more when I get home...but here I am! And I think I am 'writing a missionary' now, not really sure how that happened.  I am probably going to give in and finally buy an iphone, I really want to further my hipster image.  Anyone got any good music suggestions?  I am in a bit of a music rut for the time being... Bon Iver is being pretty good to me right now however.  Probably one of the best concerts I have been to, all awkward dating situations at the time aside. I found out earlier that the ny fairytale couple, the one with this website: NYGirlOfMyDreams.com, they met on a subway and then he found her with the website, well they broke up after two months, so sad right? (these are the things I look up at work between phone calls.) On a happier note, (C that's a happy note right?) the Hunger Games comes out soon, everyone is happy about that right? (I won't place my opinions because I might get shot or told to become a tribute or something...) really though, life is freaking awesome. 

Except I really won't, because I'm lazy.  Let's see... It has been four days and I have not eaten anything processed, any dairy, red meat, wheat/gluten, oats, beans, peanuts, honey, sugar, agave, tomatoes, soy, corn, etc.  What can I eat you ask? Still perfecting that.. so far I love rice chips and almond or coconut milk yogurt.  Salad with spicy mustard/evoo/lemon juice dressing and some pecans and maybe a strawberry.  Some of the Lara bars without peanuts or walnuts in them are great. 
Yeah...I really don't know why anyone reads this...

perfection

Sugar withdrawals

That is the conclusion that I have come to, I am having sugar withdrawals, therefore I have a headache and want to punch anybody that comes near me, and my skin hurts.  I sure love this journey of becoming healthy.  Lord help me if I ever did drugs.  Really I would die.  A xanax induced panic attack came pretty close that one time.  So there you have it, that is what I should be focused on; work and health. Or the other way around I guess.  Not stupid little things like why I'm the one who gets kamikazied (you know how there is a wingman, well little known fact is the third "wingman" the kamikaze who takes down the ugliest girl leaving the prettier ones for Maverik and Goose- if I remembered where I heard that I would give credit, but my memory fails me on this one) but I don't want to change who I am, I know I'm attractive, different, and the fact that I don't jump up and down and scream over balloons or the like... well... I'm not a five year old anymore. 

Paleo Diet

So...the paleo diet, I think that is what I am going to have to do, day one and it is freaking hard, I have a headache from not enough carbs already.  So if anyone has any recipes or anything, don't hesitate to send them my way.

take it with crackers, bread, or a small meal...I promise you're gonna like the way it makes you feel

(warning: contains offensive language)
so basically this brings me right back to when I went to Utah State.

This is going to be all over the place but I don't care. To the girl who wants to go on a mission so that she will find her husband first and not have to go...Seriously?! and then to say that only happens to the girls who actually want to go... on the plus side, I survived speed dating at the singles ward tonight, whatever loose definition of survived you want to use.  Just kidding, but seriously.  (<---a real winner I dated liked to say that one all the time) I successfully avoided the chocolate because, oh yeah, I can't eat beans, dairy, red meat, gluten, or non tree nuts anymore among other things.  I never realized how much it bugs people when you don't eat dessert or I guess food in general.  Talked to a definite potential for awhile but despite his love for Scrubs, couldn't get over the fact that he wore a Spongebob tie to church.  Too picky?  I don't really want that right now though, my loves right now are my beautiful new (to me) car and some sweet indie rock.  So here's to hope.  Hope that one day we can look back and laugh, know it was all worth it.  Because as William Goldman says, the point is that life isn't fair, that's really what it's about.  But I think the fairness comes in realizing how far you've come and where it led you, it is that hope that one day you'll see why it all played out the way it did.

Uteruses before Duderuses

First of all, happy Galentines day!
Second of all, there is no second of all...

sweeping declaration

I am done trying to get dates.  Done feeling like I am in high school again because I definitely didn't almost wreck my car trying to see who was kissing each other in the parking lot today...

also, this wasn't the look on my face when I didn't almost hit a parked car.  And I definitely wasn't thinking 'Get yo dang lips off mah man (who doesn't know I exist)'.

Also, I made up a word that fittingly describes most of what I post on here... cynicasm.  The perfect mixture of sarcasm and cynicism.

Hi mkdlpaoiejiofpopijg bye. okay bye.

I just now realized how out of practice I have become at the art of dating.  (yes it is an art, and I can barely draw stick figures) Okay and what is even worse is that it isn't dating. I am not dating.  It was just a stupid phone call about church stuff, but I just wouldn't shut up, and I kept looking for a way to end it, but it just kept going.  I'm not going to lie, my ward is pretty slim pickin's  so when one of the guys from the fatter end of the spectrum (read: opposite of slim pickin's, not opposite of skinny, just the right amount of body fat actually...) calls me, it's about to get awkward up in here, up in here.  Not to mention the fact that he thinks I am a different person every time he sees me.  Now excuse me while I criticize myself over every dumb thing I just said.  And how to stop doing that... one day. I'm just going to go back to reading the Princess Bride again and get all emotional over Westley and Buttercup's love, is that weird?

dating analogy

ok I have officially perfected it.  How dating and photography follow the same rules..
you need:
lighting
luck
timing
and... good equipment.

psycho scientist

So I am reading this book called "overcoming shyness" read: "How to feel better about yourself and stop beating yourself up since you are more intelligent and psychologically aware than most and that's why everyone thinks you are shy" that's a more fitting title in my humble opinion anyway.  I read a few chapters in between phone calls during my 8 hour shift today.  So much I want to write about it, but I won't bore you with the details.  [insert my opinions on psychology, our culture, etc.] and that's all I'm saying for now.

All that you wanted was a good man

Alright. It's the same story as always, but I'm bored.  Bored of the same stories, people, places.  Losing focus and forgetting to live in the moment.  Wishing for more or different.  Trying to fill an ache of something missing, when deep down you know what you're really missing-you just don't want to vocalize it for fear of sounding cliche or, dare I say, desperate. 

My personal 'battlefield'
I thought I had been defeated, a failure.  Beaten down, crushed, hopeless.  It was everything I needed, but how and why?  I always come back to the same line in Mosiah: "man doth not comprehend all the things which the Lord can comprehend." Rather than wondering why, it is more about faith and learning to trust.  Trust in timing and healing among other things.  Learning to trust yourself too certainly helps. 

They say (who are 'they' anyway?) that you attract your emotional equal, which is probably why I haven't been satisfied long-term with any of my dating prospects thus far, because I am not satisfied or comfortable with my emotional maturity to this point.  I thought going on a mission would cure that for some reason, like I would become who I needed to be right away.  Then I got sick and could only see the worst parts.  But I am not the same person I was. 

if you were a wink, I'd be a nod

People who tout the whole 'power of positive thinking' and 'the secret' piss me off.  Not that I am a cynical person (not entirely anyway) It's all just a little too Pollyanna for my taste.  I prefer my understanding on the matter.  I guess it's just a practical application of the correspondence bias.  We are all wrapped up in ourselves, we are the center of our own universe, therefore we project our own emotions and perspectives onto our interactions with the world around us.  We assume everyone else knows what we are thinking and believes the same things that we believe about ourselves.  So that is how it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy because we assume.  For example, my sister was feeling self-conscious that she smelled bad and I said her name and was about to say, "hey do you want to come for a ride in my car with me?" but she immediately got defensive before I could say anything and said "what?! do I smell bad?" so then I'm going to wonder if she in fact does smell bad and then maybe start treating her as such. Ok that was kind of a bad example, but you get the point right? SO while I  may not yet be completely in control of my emotions and reactions, I am at least figuring it all out.  Yeah certain people may still say all the wrong things, but it's not really about all of that or me even, deep down it's about the attention that everyone craves, some more desperate for it than others, but give it to them, don't react, and conflict will be avoided.  So when my dad tells me I'm a bad driver and I make other drivers want to shoot me, well part of it I'm feeling a little sensitive at the moment about being a less-than-stellar driver maybe and he is projecting his deeply ingrained sexist view towards women drivers. 

since when did it become okay to ask people out via text message? 

vagueness

Sometimes all it takes is a song.  I just really hate people today, and remembering.  I know I wouldn't want it to have played out differently than it did, but sometimes one can't help but wonder.  Security.  Something I crave but have never really found.  It only seems to get worse really, despite the effort.  I don't need help, I just need somebody to be there for me for real just to listen.  When I can't pinpoint the reason, that's when it makes me nervous.  I always like to be aware and have it all figured out, but now I just don't know.  I've been thinking about this a lot lately, about who I relate to, who I'm really drawn to. All people who have had difficult lives, experienced pain and sadness, were different, misunderstood, mistreated, etc.  Sylvia Plath, Ernest Hemingway, Virginia Woolf, Kurt Vonnegut, Jack Kerouac, Henrik Ibsen, Pablo Picasso, Marilyn Monroe, the list goes on.  Too many of them killed themselves though.  I can't really put it into words, but I can feel it.  The pain they must have felt.  The lack of support maybe.  I need to read more.


I just have too much on my mind as usual.  I just want to get it all out somehow.  I keep writing in my five or so various journals.  The art one I can't just write in or I will mess it up.  The scripture one, well that's for scriptures.  The others...I don' t know, it all just sounds pathetic.  And why I turn to my blog when random people are reading it...the risk I guess.  I miss writing like I used to. I hate how it still tries to haunt me sometimes.  That voice telling me that I failed.  I know I didn't.  I guess that's why he says I'm "squashed" here and need to get out of this place.  I just don't see how though.  I know it was not for naught however; now I know that I am in control.  That's a start anyway.  Again the lesson I taught in Relief Society was for me more than anybody else in the room.  Kind of a slap in the face.  I guess I just need to let go more.  And yeah. blah blah blah. 

If you're inclined to feel bad for me, don't read this

So I just read (most of) The Perks of Being a Wallflower..
I kind of skimmed some parts.  I mostly hated it, but because it was so good, so relatable. In too  ways I could relate to some of the things that Charlie said, and felt.  Except I felt a little like I needed to take a lot of showers after I was done.  The main thing I liked I guess or related to was the fact that he cried a lot, didn't quite feel like he fit in in his family or elsewhere, he likes good music and good books, and what he really needed was someone/people who truly helped him feel loved, wanted, etc.  They didn't expect him to be anything other than himself, they didn't want him to make excuses or explanations, and I like when Sam said to him, "It's okay to feel things. And be who you are about them." I guess what I am saying is, after 22 years I am still sort of looking for that, for those friends who will say that to me and accept me as me, not me under only certain conditions, and not what is only convenient to them.