I left my body behind to break the news

 I could feel it all; the crisp fall air stinging my eyes and then there was the disparaged and somewhat somber look in her eyes as she took her last breath and disappeared beneath the water a final time.  Her last thoughts, perhaps her children? her husband from whom she so desperately needed escape?  Or possibly this was that freedom she had been searching for all along.  There was a strange sense of peace in that kind of finality.  A different sense of reality.

 I was there when they found his body face down in that pool, those cuff links I would not forget, and the air that hung thick, sick, and sad.  Extravagant parties, lavish mansions, and booze; a life lived in longing, jealousy and lies. I saw it all.  Hypocrisy now litters the ground, rivaled only by the growing pool of crimson.  I can't stay here long.  My stomach starts to churn.

I watch quietly as the young woman painfully and dutifully gives birth to a child only to continue working the field after what seemed to be mere moments.  I stand there in awe, unable to fathom such a life.  How could her husband be so calloused? Is the child going to survive? Will she be able to break free? So many unanswered questions but none of them matter.  This is the only life she knows.

My mouth is dry, I swallow and there is the bitter after taste of revenge and regret; then the sweet and sad of lost love and a faint hope for what could have been.  This is not the life he wanted. I can feel his pain as he looks back in remorse at the chateau and tries to forget.

 I escape and yet I feel.  I feel it all.  I run from page to page, scarcely remembering the weight in my hands.  The distinct smell of ink and paper fill my nostrils and with each line I pass, I grow a little more.

Asleep on a train

House of Cards
The wind playfully caresses my hair as I recline in the stiff wooden chair on the uneven, overgrown grass. The distant muffled sound of laughter, chatter, and a rousing game of Guitar Hero mesh with the soft acoustic music coming from the ipod on the stairwell, my ipod. I close my eyes and forget where I am.

This is bliss.
A tap on the shoulder snaps me back to reality. "I heard you're an amazing dancer, come show us your moves." I laugh to myself but oblige anyway. I forget how stupid I look. Nobody believes me that I have no idea what I'm doing and that's when it hits me; nobody has to know.

Well I'm awkward and that's a fact...

See how pretty those three princess girls are on the left and then there is me in the middle.  Maybe if I didn't wear those stupid socks, but I look like a freakin hooker from the fifties in harry potter land.  Yes I am embarrassed and that rarely happens.  That's all I really can say for now because I am still feeling the after effects of Oh my Gosh what is wrong with me?

But here is a pretty picture, mostly it is pretty because I am not in it and I like sunsets. 

And this one is silhouetted which is naaaas (nice) and you cannot see my awful faux pas of the hideous sock nature.  I am going to go vomit now.  

Please slow it down

I and Love and You I love love love love. love.

Work was good today except for this guy who wanted to take me to lunch and then I had to pay for it...lame...haha just kidding. I had fun making a fool out of my self, spilling my sandwich everywhere.

I just want to say thank you to the world today. It's beautiful, I feel loved. I'm glad my friends are watching out for me, even if they use the ruse of stealing half of my sandwich and ice cream as soon as I step out of my car.

The strength of blood

I don't know why it bothers me so much when my nail polish starts chipping. Once it does I pick at it until it's all gone, I can't help it.

Entropy. Order to chaos. Everything eventually becomes chaos, that is the natural state of man. The government, day to day relationships, family, it's all whirring through my mind, it's all falling apart.

I paint over the top of each nail with a polymer shield so it won't chip, a feeble and symbolic attempt to keep everything from falling apart. I'm too afraid to call and find out what's really happening, I'm not sure if I really want to bring those emotions to the surface again. I'm afraid the longer I put it off, the worse it will get. I just don't want to hear my mom cry anymore, she deserves so much more, we all do.

Nothing's gonna change my world

Here's to the late nights sitting on the steps, inhaling the cool canyon breezes, discussing everything until emotions well up inside, while piles of laundry still taunt me in the distance.

I guess we don't always get what we want, but I'm realizing we do get what we need. He keeps telling me to just get over it and I really do wish it were that easy. I'm fairly certain everyone walking past thinks we are in a relationship and in the process of an emotional break up. The two of us sitting as far apart on the steps as possible; me crying, yet I still say hello to all who pass by. The thunder was oddly soothing and I would have been content had this night never ended.
Where I might be lacking certain things, I am content with myself, I know I am on my way to being who I need to be. It's that much more satisfying looking back at everything I have overcome to get here. I seem to have forgotten how to live in the moment as of late; however, on this night I am overwhelmed with a sense of calm, a sense of healing, a sense of peace. So this is what a real friendship feels like. I rather like it.

When in doubt, pinky out

Sometimes I think I'm a lot funnier than other people do. But that's okay. Sometimes I do dumb things.. Like dye my hair again, the box said golden blonde but no, it's now a lovely reddish brown...ick. It's demi permanent so I'm hoping it will just eventually wash out?

I floated the Cutler Dam with a few people at about one in the morning this morning, (after a lovely game night consisting of mormon russian roulette [involves flipping cards until one person is left with the lowest card and they have to drink/eat something gross] and a few other games that were hilarious yet I am feeling too lazy to describe them at the moment) I was freaking out but it was so much fun, we walked a ways in the dark and I think all of my Bones watching has turned me into a super paranoid person, I kept expecting to run into a dead body in some horrific way or a serial killer/rapist/crazy person and since I was freaking out, everyone else of course used that to their advantage.. There was a guy there who looked just like James Franco, I made a fool out of myself as always but no matter. Now I can at least say I did something spontaneous this summer, googly moogly!


I like cheese and that's a fact.

Aaaaaaand scene