I found out that my immune system literally is attacking itself so that explains why I have been feeling the way I have been…
I feel better though. Not 100% but at least psychologically I am no
longer inept/drugged. I realized it’s perfectly okay to take time for
myself. I don’t have to beat myself up anymore. I can’t stop thinking
about this boy I barely know. It’s ridiculous. I want to write him, but
I don’t. I had an interesting dream last night…
… I was with my companion Sister Ellis and we went to a big meeting
with all the missionaries and to get to the group we were supposed to
climb up these huge rocks. She didn’t look back once to make sure I was
doing okay and I kept getting stuck and feeling like a failure because I
couldn’t keep up with her. I finally got to the top and I couldn’t
find her anywhere. I was in distress because I needed her and she was
gone and no matter how many times I called her name she wouldn’t come
back. I sat down and started crying. Then a lady from my ward was
there comforting me. For some reason I had some extra clothes with me
and I lost them and then we had to go back and climb some other rocks to
get out and everyone was behind me, impatiently waiting for me to get
over the hardest part to the top. I was stuck and scared and then all
of the sudden I felt this insane pain in my left calf muscle like
someone was slicing it open with a knife. I looked down and realized
that a few of my ex boyfriends were there and one of them was cutting me
and I was bleeding and it hurt so bad, but as hard as I tried I
couldn’t get away from it. Then I looked up and saw a hand. This boy I
met once from my mission, but can’t stop thinking about. He grabbed my hand and
pulled me to safety. He hugged me and all was well.
Sometimes I hate my subconscious. But better things will come.
No comments:
Post a Comment