Holy Crap

I love conference. But trying to watch it with my aunt's family makes me want to do unspeakable things. There aren't enough words in the English dictionary to describe the exhaustion I feel after that experience.  Mostly I wanted to escape, but inexplicably, I feel an even greater need for a vacation. At one point I came to a crossroads as I was getting inundated with incessant noise, chaos, and "myrickness" and I decided the only foreseeable way out was to just break down and cry. It was quite comical actually.  It even calmed the storm for a moment. I am still working on a prototype for that emotional shield that will keep me from being barraged with thoughts, perceptions, and feelings from everyone around me.  If I don't figure it out soon, I fear I will collapse from the exhaustion of it all.  I don't expect people to really understand this concept.  Apparently I am difficult to understand according to the last boy I "dated" but... in true Amanda fashion, what I say to that.... whatever.

Humbled

http://speeches.byu.edu/?act=viewitem&id=326

Life is so amazing.  I really love it.  I really don't know what I would do without the gospel of Jesus Christ.  Even when people are so mean to me, I feel God near me, reminding me that I have worth and that amazing things are in my future, if I just have patience, patience to weed through the lousy, petulant creatures some are inclined to call "men." I don't hate men.  I'm just tired of allowing so much from them and everyone else to take from my identity and self-confidence. I feel that until I learn how to stop doing that, I need to stop dating, or trying to. Because until then, I will keep attracting the same person.  Committed to misunderstanding me, belittling and criticizing me, and withholding the truth.This has been a particularly eye-opening experience I must say. For the first time I felt that I was nothing but mature in my dealings with him (as opposed to my dealings of the past), and had nothing but good intentions. In a way I feel sad for him, and whatever he has been through that has led him to become so bitter and difficult and closed off.  My eyes have been opened to how blinding "love" can really be. I am just grateful I could find out now and not after I get married as was the case with my mom.

Home

Normally I hate American Idol and "mainstream" stuff. But holy crap I love this song. It is so perfect for right now.



Hold on, to me as we go
As we roll down this unfamiliar road
And although this wave is stringing us along
Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home

Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home

Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home

settle down, it'll all be clear
don't pay no mind to the demons 
they fill you with fear
the trouble it might drag you down
if you get lost you can always be found

just know you're not alone
cause i'm gonna make this place your home

all that you wanted...

The look.  The look I give.  Sultry, that is the word he used to describe it.  But it didn't work, nope, he still hasn't kissed me.  But that's okay...

update: This was Joaquin/Condom Couch... I did kiss him in the end, but as so many things help me to realize... what we think we want most isn't always right. I recently read something so beautiful and telling about situations like this:

“I am trying to see things in perspective. My dog wants a bite of my peanut butter chocolate chip bagel. I know she cannot have this, because chocolate makes dogs very sick. My dog does not understand this. She pouts and wraps herself around my leg like a scarf and purrs and tries to convince me to give her just a tiny bit. When I do not give in, she eventually gives up and lays in the corner, under the piano, drooping and sad. I hope the universe has my best interest in mind like I have my dog’s. When I want something with my whole being, and the universe withholds it from me, I hope the universe thinks to herself: "Silly girl. She thinks this is what she wants, but she does not understand how it will hurt.”

— THEORIES ABOUT THE UNIVERSE by Blythe Baird

but I would replace the universe with God. Personally. 

The one that you are looking for, you're not gonna find her here

it's embarrassing how transparent I am.  When someone points out the "love in your eyes" it is terrifying.  I want to be invisible.  As soon as I start thinking of how I would feel if it doesn't work out, I'm absolutely terrified.  That's all there is to it.  The idea put in my head from that one phrase, "maybe you're too eager" The problem is, that's who I am. Not just in boyfriend/girlfriend relationships, but every relationship; too eager to please, to drop everything to help them, but what do I get in return? I don't know how to be different.  I learned from my mom I guess who does everything for my dad and then some, despite him treating her like dirt most of the time.
Yeah I drove him to Lowe's to get something to break into his car with since he locked his keys in there, but I would have done that for anyone. It's driving me nuts, with every other guy I was so oblivious and most times, aloof, usually not realizing they liked me until it was too late or at least until the stage when I wasn't the one freaking out about whether or not they liked me.  But this time is different.  I just want to skip ahead to the part where I don't have to worry if he is going to suddenly stop liking me and marry that other girl.  I would be lying to say that didn't bother me, until now anyway it didn't, I don't think, but it hit me hard today.  So I want it to work out, but that other part of me keeps yelling "run away" because I can't handle another heart break, I really don't think I can.
It doesn't help that seemingly everyone around me is in a relationship and the people at work who set me up are always probing me for details and gasping when he walks by.

and there will come a time, you'll see...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b0LNhIaGAUw

this song is so good.

My heart is full of things i want to write, I just don't quite know where to begin, for fear that putting it down in words will only trivialize what I feel.  I feel on the edge of something huge, something good.  It's more than just connecting with someone; I feel change.  Change within myself.  Acceptance, forgiveness, peace.

knocked me off my feet again.

latest gem from my dad: "I don't get why you're so upset, I apologized to you I'M NOT EVEN SORRY FOR WHAT I SAID I wasn't trying to hurt your feelings, I knew it would hurt when I said it"

me: "it just reminded me of when I was little and you would always say things like that and it hurt my feelings"

him: "we NEVER said anything negative or critical of you when you were little we only built you up"

 HA. ha. hA. Ha. HA! no never... I never (every day for those who don't get sarcasm) hid under my bed as a child crying because of all the "stupid" things I did that weren't good enough for him.

that was my queue to leave.

I'm sorry I'm not sorry.  Contradiction King.  If you ever want to learn how to go insane in the least amount of time possible with the most damage, just follow him around for a day and try to make him proud.

When am I going to break this cycle?

I don't know when I will finally learn that I need to stop trusting him.

"...drunk and grumbling on about how I can't sing...but all you are is mean.  and a liar and pathetic and alone in life and mean.  " -Taylor Swift "Mean"
 I have never related more perfectly to a song than this.  It's unreal.