walking paradox-- cross country snowboarding

Overly open yet awkward in public.
I'm sure I have written a post to this effect before, but certain things stand to be reiterated, for comedic effect I suppose.
Like when someone I basically dated/hung out with regularly for 3 weeks with tells me that I need to be more sensitive.
Ha he ho ha hi ho he ... uh hoo ah!
I recall a post I wrote a while back about HSP (Happy Special People---aka Highly Sensitive Persons and how I totally am one) I mean I could be wrong, but I am pretty sure I know myself pretty well...
I mean, I have lived with myself for going over 23 years now. Unless I really am sitting in a wheel chair in a mental hospital somewhere imagining all of this. In that case... this is awkward.

And I lost my head but found the one that I love

How is it that my brain, heart, emotions, logic, beliefs, intuition, etc. all be telling me such conflicting things.  I feel like I want to crawl under a rock and never come out. Except I really don't.  I'm just being impatient. But oh how I am being refined, I am sure.  God wants me to be happy so I know I don't need to settle. Just need to wait. And oh the places I'll go in the meantime.

lover's eyes

But do not ask the price I pay,
I must live with my quiet rage,
Tame the ghosts in my head,
That run wild and wish me dead.
Should you shake my ash to the wind
Lord, forget all of my sins
Oh, let me die where I lie 
Neath the curse of my lover's eyes.

All of their lyrics are perfect. Always. 

Holy Crap

I love conference. But trying to watch it with my aunt's family makes me want to do unspeakable things. There aren't enough words in the English dictionary to describe the exhaustion I feel after that experience.  Mostly I wanted to escape, but inexplicably, I feel an even greater need for a vacation. At one point I came to a crossroads as I was getting inundated with incessant noise, chaos, and "myrickness" and I decided the only foreseeable way out was to just break down and cry. It was quite comical actually.  It even calmed the storm for a moment. I am still working on a prototype for that emotional shield that will keep me from being barraged with thoughts, perceptions, and feelings from everyone around me.  If I don't figure it out soon, I fear I will collapse from the exhaustion of it all.  I don't expect people to really understand this concept.  Apparently I am difficult to understand according to the last boy I "dated" but... in true Amanda fashion, what I say to that.... whatever.

Humbled

http://speeches.byu.edu/?act=viewitem&id=326

Life is so amazing.  I really love it.  I really don't know what I would do without the gospel of Jesus Christ.  Even when people are so mean to me, I feel God near me, reminding me that I have worth and that amazing things are in my future, if I just have patience, patience to weed through the lousy, petulant creatures some are inclined to call "men." I don't hate men.  I'm just tired of allowing so much from them and everyone else to take from my identity and self-confidence. I feel that until I learn how to stop doing that, I need to stop dating, or trying to. Because until then, I will keep attracting the same person.  Committed to misunderstanding me, belittling and criticizing me, and withholding the truth.This has been a particularly eye-opening experience I must say. For the first time I felt that I was nothing but mature in my dealings with him (as opposed to my dealings of the past), and had nothing but good intentions. In a way I feel sad for him, and whatever he has been through that has led him to become so bitter and difficult and closed off.  My eyes have been opened to how blinding "love" can really be. I am just grateful I could find out now and not after I get married as was the case with my mom.

Home

Normally I hate American Idol and "mainstream" stuff. But holy crap I love this song. It is so perfect for right now.



Hold on, to me as we go
As we roll down this unfamiliar road
And although this wave is stringing us along
Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home

Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home

Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home

settle down, it'll all be clear
don't pay no mind to the demons 
they fill you with fear
the trouble it might drag you down
if you get lost you can always be found

just know you're not alone
cause i'm gonna make this place your home

all that you wanted...

The look.  The look I give.  Sultry, that is the word he used to describe it.  But it didn't work, nope, he still hasn't kissed me.  But that's okay...

update: This was Joaquin/Condom Couch... I did kiss him in the end, but as so many things help me to realize... what we think we want most isn't always right. I recently read something so beautiful and telling about situations like this:

“I am trying to see things in perspective. My dog wants a bite of my peanut butter chocolate chip bagel. I know she cannot have this, because chocolate makes dogs very sick. My dog does not understand this. She pouts and wraps herself around my leg like a scarf and purrs and tries to convince me to give her just a tiny bit. When I do not give in, she eventually gives up and lays in the corner, under the piano, drooping and sad. I hope the universe has my best interest in mind like I have my dog’s. When I want something with my whole being, and the universe withholds it from me, I hope the universe thinks to herself: "Silly girl. She thinks this is what she wants, but she does not understand how it will hurt.”

— THEORIES ABOUT THE UNIVERSE by Blythe Baird

but I would replace the universe with God. Personally.