The one that you are looking for, you're not gonna find her here

it's embarrassing how transparent I am.  When someone points out the "love in your eyes" it is terrifying.  I want to be invisible.  As soon as I start thinking of how I would feel if it doesn't work out, I'm absolutely terrified.  That's all there is to it.  The idea put in my head from that one phrase, "maybe you're too eager" The problem is, that's who I am. Not just in boyfriend/girlfriend relationships, but every relationship; too eager to please, to drop everything to help them, but what do I get in return? I don't know how to be different.  I learned from my mom I guess who does everything for my dad and then some, despite him treating her like dirt most of the time.
Yeah I drove him to Lowe's to get something to break into his car with since he locked his keys in there, but I would have done that for anyone. It's driving me nuts, with every other guy I was so oblivious and most times, aloof, usually not realizing they liked me until it was too late or at least until the stage when I wasn't the one freaking out about whether or not they liked me.  But this time is different.  I just want to skip ahead to the part where I don't have to worry if he is going to suddenly stop liking me and marry that other girl.  I would be lying to say that didn't bother me, until now anyway it didn't, I don't think, but it hit me hard today.  So I want it to work out, but that other part of me keeps yelling "run away" because I can't handle another heart break, I really don't think I can.
It doesn't help that seemingly everyone around me is in a relationship and the people at work who set me up are always probing me for details and gasping when he walks by.

and there will come a time, you'll see...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b0LNhIaGAUw

this song is so good.

My heart is full of things i want to write, I just don't quite know where to begin, for fear that putting it down in words will only trivialize what I feel.  I feel on the edge of something huge, something good.  It's more than just connecting with someone; I feel change.  Change within myself.  Acceptance, forgiveness, peace.

knocked me off my feet again.

latest gem from my dad: "I don't get why you're so upset, I apologized to you I'M NOT EVEN SORRY FOR WHAT I SAID I wasn't trying to hurt your feelings, I knew it would hurt when I said it"

me: "it just reminded me of when I was little and you would always say things like that and it hurt my feelings"

him: "we NEVER said anything negative or critical of you when you were little we only built you up"

 HA. ha. hA. Ha. HA! no never... I never (every day for those who don't get sarcasm) hid under my bed as a child crying because of all the "stupid" things I did that weren't good enough for him.

that was my queue to leave.

I'm sorry I'm not sorry.  Contradiction King.  If you ever want to learn how to go insane in the least amount of time possible with the most damage, just follow him around for a day and try to make him proud.

When am I going to break this cycle?

I don't know when I will finally learn that I need to stop trusting him.

"...drunk and grumbling on about how I can't sing...but all you are is mean.  and a liar and pathetic and alone in life and mean.  " -Taylor Swift "Mean"
 I have never related more perfectly to a song than this.  It's unreal.

Freaking Chuck Bass

What a mother chucker.  ha.  I hate that I started watching that show but I can't stop.  And it just proves everything that is wrong with the world.  Why we want them to be together so bad and just excuse all of the terrible things he has done.  Yet I still want a guy to love me like Chuck Bass loves Blair Waldorf.  Just can he have the same beliefs as me and never cheat on me or anything like that?

I wish my name was clementine

I am on a new quest.  Well it's not really new, but I am determined now.  A quest to learn to love myself, to find self-worth, to be my own best friend, and to overcome my PTSD and anxiety.  I've had a lot of humbling experiences lately and am realizing I need to learn how to forgive myself and stop beating myself up.  To say it is difficult would be a vast understatement.  I guess I just want to feel supported without getting scared and pushing it away. 

Elizabethtown

All time favorite movie.  Being held the way I want to be held while listening to this song while watching this movie. I'm okay with that.  Even if that's all that is going to come of it.  I will be okay with it.

Your thoughts begin to bleed

 I never really comprehended or experienced the kind of joy that overwhelms the emotions and body to the point of tears until the last couple of months.  I remember glimpses from my younger years, but they have become more expansive on the spectrum of human emotion.  They wanted to put me on mood stabilizers once...no, nobody who could actually prescribe it to me, only those who thought they could tell me what I needed, but they were wrong.  It sounds so cliche but I have never really fit in, no matter how hard I tried.  I didn't seem happy for a number of reasons but looking back the biggest one was due to the fact that I wasn't true to myself around those people I tried fitting in with.  It still happens and when it does I realize I am much happier alone.  I've tried analyzing what I must be doing wrong to not win friends but I could never seem to come up with an answer that put me doing something any worse than other people I saw who seemed to have no problem making and keeping friends.  I'm not going to a singles ward anymore, at least for a while.  A few people asked if it was because I was getting married.  I had to suppress a laugh.
There are others like me.  I run across them from time to time. I  feel happy knowing I am not the only one.