Oh what I wouldn't do if I had you babe...

Yeah I am on chick flick, sappy romantic blah overload.  I am dying.  But I got the stuck cd out of my laptop, yay!  #firstworldproblemsamirite??!!


Ok that was stupid.  Let's just put it this way.  I am really happy with myself right now.  Confidence is no longer something I feel like I have to stretch for.  I am content on my own.  I am learning how to be my own best friend.  I want to dance. 

That is all.

I just have a lot of feelings okay?

Like the Hunger Games, and I can't even.  It's just... eunnhhhh.  I'm like 37% finished and already I can feel the book boyfriend depression coming on and the pit of despair that follows such horrible amazing gloriousness.
Like how I have to eat, but stress stomach + food = poison and lots of sickness and me in a bad mood but less light-headed, I guess?
Like how all I do is work but I am running out of tv shows to watch on hulu and I have no food or time to go grocery shopping so I have been subsisting on vitamins mostly (my life is so hardddd.......)
I can't talk to my parents anymore about my feelings. 
I have to go punch dance out my rage in a forest now.  Like Kevin Bacon.  In case you didn't get that reference...go watch Footloose.  Either one will do really. 
And I've been having a Matthew McCoijioeajaoifjiejh ...na hey... marathon with my roommate over the last several nights.  Yes I like things after their time...

Ok fine, I started reading the Hunger Games and I don't ever want to stop.  I'm crying.  And I like One Direction.  That is all.  Oh and obsessing over Solomon Burke right neow.  And I didn't mind the new Footloose, actually quite liked it.  And, and, I've been sleeping like 12 hours a day because my room doesn't get light and I am pretty sure I don't have an internal clock.  I never claimed to be normal.

Singles Ward

I didn't want to go to church.  Ever again. Then my roommate manipulates me into going and I sit by the guy she wants to talk to since she hesitated a little.  So I break the ice at first and then make up an excuse that I need to get a drink so I tell her to scoot next to him so I won't have to climb over her when I come back.  Really I wanted her to sit by him in the first place and it works because he asks her out.  Then I talk to everybody except for the guy I wanted to talk to.  Right when I am about to say something to him, mr. ward missionary comes up to me and gives me and awkward side hug.  Ugh.  Then fast forward to sunday school and I'm commenting every 5 minutes because I know what it feels like to be a teacher and not have people participate  and then my phone decides to start saying the chapter, {deep man voice} "chapter 36, families can be eternal..." I frantically jab at the screen, almost cursing, lamenting the fact that I just had to get an iphone.  Then in classic Amanda fashion I creepily lean in and ask him what his name is after class is over as we are putting up chairs.  And that was that.  And now I can't stop thinking about him.  The unrealistically attractive boy with the talent. 

I'm a mormon

This has sort of been bothering me for awhile, the bishop in my ward is always saying that we need to be good examples and not doing anything that might be a "stumbling block" to those who are weak, who might see us doing bad things and not want to come to church because our actions are contrary to our beliefs, and he has been emphasizing how we need to reach out to and befriend those who are struggling, alone, etc.  While that is all true and good and something everyone should do regardless of their religious beliefs, I still find myself bothered.  As someone who has never really had friends I could truly count on when things got tough, never really had someone who would encourage me to keep going (to church and whatnot) I had to rely on myself.  If I only went to church because of friends or people who reached out to me and made me feel welcome, and nobody ever did anything wrong, then I would absolutely never go to church again.  No that may help some people, but that's not what keeps me going or has ever encouraged me to, simply because I have never experienced any of those things, but my own salvation and happiness is too important to me to let it fall into the hands of another careless person.  I keep going and fighting because I know it is true and always will.  Despite everything else, despite the imperfections and lack of decency on the parts of others, I keep going and always will because it is what I know and believe to be true.  I know that God is my Loving Heavenly Father, and that Jesus Christ is my Savior.  People will always be imperfect and make mistakes, but the one thing I know I can always rely on is the truthfulness of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

Complaints

ok first,  I am so grateful for pretty much everything in my life right now.  I have this amazing job, I just got a raise AND full-time status.  It isn't stressful, I get to watch movies/tv shows on hulu between calls if I do well on my weekly tests (lately I have done extremely well) I now make enough money to move out and pay for everything and hopefully save a little on the side.  My new room is huge and I plan on going to IKEA on my next day off.  My car is fantastic and driving a stick makes me feel like a total bad ass..  My hair looks good.  My skin is clearer than ever.  I am almost to my pre-mission weight.  Besides the underlying family drama, everything is pretty darn comfortable right now.  But if I think too much, it's uggghhh.  I guess in a way it might stem from unintentionally comparing myself to others.  Or the whole "life isn't fair, blah" complaint.  But mostly it is the annoyance I feel when I realize how guys don't respect me (said like a hard new yorker: you wanna hear stories?? I got stories. I'm stuck in a pacino, a hoo ahh

why is it that just when everything is starting to feel whole again, it all has to fall apart? I was beginning to feel silly for ever having felt so scared and hurt, but it all came rushing back too quickly and with too much familiarity. Also, I am quite literally addicted to buying makeup, Sephora is like crack to me.  And it only makes me feel better for a little while, then the guilt hits along with all the other emotions that I'm drowning in.  I can't even make excuses for him anymore.  I had come to terms with it, gotten over it, forgiven him, etc. etc. etc.  But it always happens again in that engulfing anxiety you wish you could hide from forever.   I am determined, I will learn how to trust.  Just not him.