sweeping declaration

I am done trying to get dates.  Done feeling like I am in high school again because I definitely didn't almost wreck my car trying to see who was kissing each other in the parking lot today...

also, this wasn't the look on my face when I didn't almost hit a parked car.  And I definitely wasn't thinking 'Get yo dang lips off mah man (who doesn't know I exist)'.

Also, I made up a word that fittingly describes most of what I post on here... cynicasm.  The perfect mixture of sarcasm and cynicism.

Hi mkdlpaoiejiofpopijg bye. okay bye.

I just now realized how out of practice I have become at the art of dating.  (yes it is an art, and I can barely draw stick figures) Okay and what is even worse is that it isn't dating. I am not dating.  It was just a stupid phone call about church stuff, but I just wouldn't shut up, and I kept looking for a way to end it, but it just kept going.  I'm not going to lie, my ward is pretty slim pickin's  so when one of the guys from the fatter end of the spectrum (read: opposite of slim pickin's, not opposite of skinny, just the right amount of body fat actually...) calls me, it's about to get awkward up in here, up in here.  Not to mention the fact that he thinks I am a different person every time he sees me.  Now excuse me while I criticize myself over every dumb thing I just said.  And how to stop doing that... one day. I'm just going to go back to reading the Princess Bride again and get all emotional over Westley and Buttercup's love, is that weird?

dating analogy

ok I have officially perfected it.  How dating and photography follow the same rules..
you need:
lighting
luck
timing
and... good equipment.

psycho scientist

So I am reading this book called "overcoming shyness" read: "How to feel better about yourself and stop beating yourself up since you are more intelligent and psychologically aware than most and that's why everyone thinks you are shy" that's a more fitting title in my humble opinion anyway.  I read a few chapters in between phone calls during my 8 hour shift today.  So much I want to write about it, but I won't bore you with the details.  [insert my opinions on psychology, our culture, etc.] and that's all I'm saying for now.

All that you wanted was a good man

Alright. It's the same story as always, but I'm bored.  Bored of the same stories, people, places.  Losing focus and forgetting to live in the moment.  Wishing for more or different.  Trying to fill an ache of something missing, when deep down you know what you're really missing-you just don't want to vocalize it for fear of sounding cliche or, dare I say, desperate. 

My personal 'battlefield'
I thought I had been defeated, a failure.  Beaten down, crushed, hopeless.  It was everything I needed, but how and why?  I always come back to the same line in Mosiah: "man doth not comprehend all the things which the Lord can comprehend." Rather than wondering why, it is more about faith and learning to trust.  Trust in timing and healing among other things.  Learning to trust yourself too certainly helps. 

They say (who are 'they' anyway?) that you attract your emotional equal, which is probably why I haven't been satisfied long-term with any of my dating prospects thus far, because I am not satisfied or comfortable with my emotional maturity to this point.  I thought going on a mission would cure that for some reason, like I would become who I needed to be right away.  Then I got sick and could only see the worst parts.  But I am not the same person I was. 

if you were a wink, I'd be a nod

People who tout the whole 'power of positive thinking' and 'the secret' piss me off.  Not that I am a cynical person (not entirely anyway) It's all just a little too Pollyanna for my taste.  I prefer my understanding on the matter.  I guess it's just a practical application of the correspondence bias.  We are all wrapped up in ourselves, we are the center of our own universe, therefore we project our own emotions and perspectives onto our interactions with the world around us.  We assume everyone else knows what we are thinking and believes the same things that we believe about ourselves.  So that is how it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy because we assume.  For example, my sister was feeling self-conscious that she smelled bad and I said her name and was about to say, "hey do you want to come for a ride in my car with me?" but she immediately got defensive before I could say anything and said "what?! do I smell bad?" so then I'm going to wonder if she in fact does smell bad and then maybe start treating her as such. Ok that was kind of a bad example, but you get the point right? SO while I  may not yet be completely in control of my emotions and reactions, I am at least figuring it all out.  Yeah certain people may still say all the wrong things, but it's not really about all of that or me even, deep down it's about the attention that everyone craves, some more desperate for it than others, but give it to them, don't react, and conflict will be avoided.  So when my dad tells me I'm a bad driver and I make other drivers want to shoot me, well part of it I'm feeling a little sensitive at the moment about being a less-than-stellar driver maybe and he is projecting his deeply ingrained sexist view towards women drivers. 

since when did it become okay to ask people out via text message?