or...If I'm as bad as you, what good are we to each other?
dusty pink and green argyle knee-high socks. Oh those socks...
Holes have now worn through the heel of both and they are mostly thread-bare.
I was wearing them one day while walking to seminary
A barely remembered comment about the ridiculous nature of my socks is what ultimately led me to my now vast collection of leggings, lace tights, and knee-high socks.
I don't really know why, but it's like I wanted to prove something
"sure you can come hang out with us Amanda, but you have to promise you'll be happy"
that sentence still stings. I've never really considered myself to be unhappy, emotional at times, but never unhappy. In fact, I'm content with who I am. I guess I'm just looking for people who will be content with who I am in addition to that. I'm tired of having to censor myself because that isn't me. One thing about me, I am fairly certain I have the inability to be fake and I am the worst liar in the world. (so false accusations certain boy(s?) if you are reading this, I promise I never meant to break your heart and my intentions were never ulterior).
"if you know I'm not going to ask you out, if you know it would never work, why do you keep trying?"
because matters of the heart and matters of the mind contradict...
that is a good question though, why do I try so hard to make things work? especially when I know it's bad for me...
why do I always pursue the relationships that hurt me every time?
then I somehow sabotage everything because I think I know that I am going to get hurt
maybe I just need to grow up. part of me wishes I could become a completely different person, a person who everyone will just like, but I know i really don't want to. I really do like who I am and who I plan to be, it all just gets lost in translation somewhere between that and keeping real relationships alive.
I think if i can just shut off my emotions for awhile. Eliminate all of my apprehensions. Even just start over so people don't have ridiculously false preconceived notions about me.
I long for a real conversation with someone who genuinely cares.
to have a quiet moment to myself
to climb again and feel strong
feel loved
and to feel passion for someone else
until then I think I will pull those worn out socks back on my feet
to prove to myself, if nothing else,
that I am worth it
dusty pink and green argyle knee-high socks. Oh those socks...
Holes have now worn through the heel of both and they are mostly thread-bare.
I was wearing them one day while walking to seminary
A barely remembered comment about the ridiculous nature of my socks is what ultimately led me to my now vast collection of leggings, lace tights, and knee-high socks.
I don't really know why, but it's like I wanted to prove something
"sure you can come hang out with us Amanda, but you have to promise you'll be happy"
that sentence still stings. I've never really considered myself to be unhappy, emotional at times, but never unhappy. In fact, I'm content with who I am. I guess I'm just looking for people who will be content with who I am in addition to that. I'm tired of having to censor myself because that isn't me. One thing about me, I am fairly certain I have the inability to be fake and I am the worst liar in the world. (so false accusations certain boy(s?) if you are reading this, I promise I never meant to break your heart and my intentions were never ulterior).
"if you know I'm not going to ask you out, if you know it would never work, why do you keep trying?"
because matters of the heart and matters of the mind contradict...
that is a good question though, why do I try so hard to make things work? especially when I know it's bad for me...
why do I always pursue the relationships that hurt me every time?
then I somehow sabotage everything because I think I know that I am going to get hurt
maybe I just need to grow up. part of me wishes I could become a completely different person, a person who everyone will just like, but I know i really don't want to. I really do like who I am and who I plan to be, it all just gets lost in translation somewhere between that and keeping real relationships alive.
I think if i can just shut off my emotions for awhile. Eliminate all of my apprehensions. Even just start over so people don't have ridiculously false preconceived notions about me.
I long for a real conversation with someone who genuinely cares.
to have a quiet moment to myself
to climb again and feel strong
feel loved
and to feel passion for someone else
until then I think I will pull those worn out socks back on my feet
to prove to myself, if nothing else,
that I am worth it
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