dating analogy

ok I have officially perfected it.  How dating and photography follow the same rules..
you need:
lighting
luck
timing
and... good equipment.

psycho scientist

So I am reading this book called "overcoming shyness" read: "How to feel better about yourself and stop beating yourself up since you are more intelligent and psychologically aware than most and that's why everyone thinks you are shy" that's a more fitting title in my humble opinion anyway.  I read a few chapters in between phone calls during my 8 hour shift today.  So much I want to write about it, but I won't bore you with the details.  [insert my opinions on psychology, our culture, etc.] and that's all I'm saying for now.

All that you wanted was a good man

Alright. It's the same story as always, but I'm bored.  Bored of the same stories, people, places.  Losing focus and forgetting to live in the moment.  Wishing for more or different.  Trying to fill an ache of something missing, when deep down you know what you're really missing-you just don't want to vocalize it for fear of sounding cliche or, dare I say, desperate. 

My personal 'battlefield'
I thought I had been defeated, a failure.  Beaten down, crushed, hopeless.  It was everything I needed, but how and why?  I always come back to the same line in Mosiah: "man doth not comprehend all the things which the Lord can comprehend." Rather than wondering why, it is more about faith and learning to trust.  Trust in timing and healing among other things.  Learning to trust yourself too certainly helps. 

They say (who are 'they' anyway?) that you attract your emotional equal, which is probably why I haven't been satisfied long-term with any of my dating prospects thus far, because I am not satisfied or comfortable with my emotional maturity to this point.  I thought going on a mission would cure that for some reason, like I would become who I needed to be right away.  Then I got sick and could only see the worst parts.  But I am not the same person I was. 

if you were a wink, I'd be a nod

People who tout the whole 'power of positive thinking' and 'the secret' piss me off.  Not that I am a cynical person (not entirely anyway) It's all just a little too Pollyanna for my taste.  I prefer my understanding on the matter.  I guess it's just a practical application of the correspondence bias.  We are all wrapped up in ourselves, we are the center of our own universe, therefore we project our own emotions and perspectives onto our interactions with the world around us.  We assume everyone else knows what we are thinking and believes the same things that we believe about ourselves.  So that is how it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy because we assume.  For example, my sister was feeling self-conscious that she smelled bad and I said her name and was about to say, "hey do you want to come for a ride in my car with me?" but she immediately got defensive before I could say anything and said "what?! do I smell bad?" so then I'm going to wonder if she in fact does smell bad and then maybe start treating her as such. Ok that was kind of a bad example, but you get the point right? SO while I  may not yet be completely in control of my emotions and reactions, I am at least figuring it all out.  Yeah certain people may still say all the wrong things, but it's not really about all of that or me even, deep down it's about the attention that everyone craves, some more desperate for it than others, but give it to them, don't react, and conflict will be avoided.  So when my dad tells me I'm a bad driver and I make other drivers want to shoot me, well part of it I'm feeling a little sensitive at the moment about being a less-than-stellar driver maybe and he is projecting his deeply ingrained sexist view towards women drivers. 

since when did it become okay to ask people out via text message? 

vagueness

Sometimes all it takes is a song.  I just really hate people today, and remembering.  I know I wouldn't want it to have played out differently than it did, but sometimes one can't help but wonder.  Security.  Something I crave but have never really found.  It only seems to get worse really, despite the effort.  I don't need help, I just need somebody to be there for me for real just to listen.  When I can't pinpoint the reason, that's when it makes me nervous.  I always like to be aware and have it all figured out, but now I just don't know.  I've been thinking about this a lot lately, about who I relate to, who I'm really drawn to. All people who have had difficult lives, experienced pain and sadness, were different, misunderstood, mistreated, etc.  Sylvia Plath, Ernest Hemingway, Virginia Woolf, Kurt Vonnegut, Jack Kerouac, Henrik Ibsen, Pablo Picasso, Marilyn Monroe, the list goes on.  Too many of them killed themselves though.  I can't really put it into words, but I can feel it.  The pain they must have felt.  The lack of support maybe.  I need to read more.


I just have too much on my mind as usual.  I just want to get it all out somehow.  I keep writing in my five or so various journals.  The art one I can't just write in or I will mess it up.  The scripture one, well that's for scriptures.  The others...I don' t know, it all just sounds pathetic.  And why I turn to my blog when random people are reading it...the risk I guess.  I miss writing like I used to. I hate how it still tries to haunt me sometimes.  That voice telling me that I failed.  I know I didn't.  I guess that's why he says I'm "squashed" here and need to get out of this place.  I just don't see how though.  I know it was not for naught however; now I know that I am in control.  That's a start anyway.  Again the lesson I taught in Relief Society was for me more than anybody else in the room.  Kind of a slap in the face.  I guess I just need to let go more.  And yeah. blah blah blah. 

If you're inclined to feel bad for me, don't read this

So I just read (most of) The Perks of Being a Wallflower..
I kind of skimmed some parts.  I mostly hated it, but because it was so good, so relatable. In too  ways I could relate to some of the things that Charlie said, and felt.  Except I felt a little like I needed to take a lot of showers after I was done.  The main thing I liked I guess or related to was the fact that he cried a lot, didn't quite feel like he fit in in his family or elsewhere, he likes good music and good books, and what he really needed was someone/people who truly helped him feel loved, wanted, etc.  They didn't expect him to be anything other than himself, they didn't want him to make excuses or explanations, and I like when Sam said to him, "It's okay to feel things. And be who you are about them." I guess what I am saying is, after 22 years I am still sort of looking for that, for those friends who will say that to me and accept me as me, not me under only certain conditions, and not what is only convenient to them.