vagueness

Sometimes all it takes is a song.  I just really hate people today, and remembering.  I know I wouldn't want it to have played out differently than it did, but sometimes one can't help but wonder.  Security.  Something I crave but have never really found.  It only seems to get worse really, despite the effort.  I don't need help, I just need somebody to be there for me for real just to listen.  When I can't pinpoint the reason, that's when it makes me nervous.  I always like to be aware and have it all figured out, but now I just don't know.  I've been thinking about this a lot lately, about who I relate to, who I'm really drawn to. All people who have had difficult lives, experienced pain and sadness, were different, misunderstood, mistreated, etc.  Sylvia Plath, Ernest Hemingway, Virginia Woolf, Kurt Vonnegut, Jack Kerouac, Henrik Ibsen, Pablo Picasso, Marilyn Monroe, the list goes on.  Too many of them killed themselves though.  I can't really put it into words, but I can feel it.  The pain they must have felt.  The lack of support maybe.  I need to read more.


I just have too much on my mind as usual.  I just want to get it all out somehow.  I keep writing in my five or so various journals.  The art one I can't just write in or I will mess it up.  The scripture one, well that's for scriptures.  The others...I don' t know, it all just sounds pathetic.  And why I turn to my blog when random people are reading it...the risk I guess.  I miss writing like I used to. I hate how it still tries to haunt me sometimes.  That voice telling me that I failed.  I know I didn't.  I guess that's why he says I'm "squashed" here and need to get out of this place.  I just don't see how though.  I know it was not for naught however; now I know that I am in control.  That's a start anyway.  Again the lesson I taught in Relief Society was for me more than anybody else in the room.  Kind of a slap in the face.  I guess I just need to let go more.  And yeah. blah blah blah. 

If you're inclined to feel bad for me, don't read this

So I just read (most of) The Perks of Being a Wallflower..
I kind of skimmed some parts.  I mostly hated it, but because it was so good, so relatable. In too  ways I could relate to some of the things that Charlie said, and felt.  Except I felt a little like I needed to take a lot of showers after I was done.  The main thing I liked I guess or related to was the fact that he cried a lot, didn't quite feel like he fit in in his family or elsewhere, he likes good music and good books, and what he really needed was someone/people who truly helped him feel loved, wanted, etc.  They didn't expect him to be anything other than himself, they didn't want him to make excuses or explanations, and I like when Sam said to him, "It's okay to feel things. And be who you are about them." I guess what I am saying is, after 22 years I am still sort of looking for that, for those friends who will say that to me and accept me as me, not me under only certain conditions, and not what is only convenient to them.

hmmm

So I am really sick of my hair again, but wanting to grow it out. Any ideas?
Also, my dad will not stop watching murder shows, kinda le freaking me out.
Me and my badonkadonk got hit on at the mall today... awkward.

"I'm 27...hundred years old"

I am not a curse.  I'm going through the stage of being annoyed, but I think I am coming to terms with things.  I rolled my eyes a little when people started getting emotional, and then I had an epiphany.  I could run up there barefoot and not get emotional.  I can look people in the eyes and state my beliefs.  There is irony for you (I am such a crybaby).  I slept through the entire Christmas devotional (oops) and then I got to ride shotgun in a police car because my cousin's car got stolen. 
I saw another one of my exes with his wife... then I had to decide whether I wanted to be the third wheel or the fifth wheel.  (Went with third, much more stable, plus I got to ride in a cop car).  Really though, I can't fathom being in a couple right now.  Much like we couldn't fathom the car being stolen, I suppose. 

socialism

A local economics professor persistently taught that socialism could never work.  The class insisted that socialism worked, and no one would be poor, and no one would be rich--a great equalizer.  The professor and class agreed to an experiment on socialism.  "All grades will be averaged and everyone will receive the same grad.  After the first test, the grades were averaged, and everyone got a B. The students that studied hard were upset, and the students who studied little were happy.  At the second test, the students who studied little had studied even less, and the ones who studied hard studied less.  The test averaged a D.  No one was happy.  The average of the third test was an F, as was the score of all subsequent tests.  Bickering, blame and name-calling all resulted in hard feelings, and no one would study for the benefit of anyone else.  To the students' surprise, everyone failed the class.  The professor's point was made: When reward is great, the effort to succeed is great. When government takes away the rewards, incentive to succeed is taken away. 

wii fit pisses me off

"A man duh (my sister named my mii) it's been a while hasn't it?  well it looks like you didn't reach your goal did you?  It looks like you have gained quite a bit of weight since last time.  Maybe you should try setting smaller goals."  Stupid wii fit I would punch it in the face if it had one. 

this. kills. me.