I'm going to be honest. I am kind of stuck right now. So many things keep happening to remind me that I know nothing; nothing about relationships particularly. Or grammar because I doubt I am using semicolons properly or if I ever will really know how to, but I digress.
You know in science when you learn how gases fill the volume of the container they occupy, or something like that? I've been thinking about how (actually I just thought of this) my personality or identity has a similar quality. I don't know if everyone is like this, or if I am more particularly due to the way I was raised.
It's usually a form of criticism that I will let upset my entire opinion of my existence. I don't want it to be that way, but it happens. Then I can only see the negative. I'm realizing I have everything I need, all the tools to help me, but I just need to overcome my fear and realize that everyone else struggles too and that it's okay to mess up.
My dad told me recently that he is like a volcano and needs to erupt in order to feel better and basically that I just need to be okay with it. At the time, and still many other times to come I'm sure, I was not okay with it. I was really upset because nothing gets resolved, and I'm just supposed to be okay with getting hot lava spewed all over me unpredictably. But that's life right?
I saw a picture of my friend's hand on Instagram after she got burned by oil when she was making coconut shrimp. It looked so painful I could only imagine how bad it hurt. It reminded me of when I was making some korean food and frying it in oil. It started exploding right when I leaned down to turn off the pot. It exploded all over my face and right into my eyes. It was pretty traumatic; my cousins were there and I ran into the bathroom with one of my cousin's fiancee and she helped me rinse it out of my eyes. I could hear screaming in the other room and exploding sounds as the oil kept reacting to the thawing rice cakes. (We R Smrt) I went to the doctor later to check and make sure my eyes weren't messed up or anything and he was shocked by my outlandish tale and the fact that I had absolutely no sign of that incident occuring except for the fact that my sweater was covered in oil. It truly was a miracle and in my opinion God's way of telling me that He has my back and is always there for me, even when I do dumb things. I never really thought of it this way before but I feel like hopefully the metaphor can be extended to the metaphor of my volcanic dad. I know I have baggage and scars, but I also know that God is looking out for me, and protecting me, and for all of us. I don't like hurting, but I don't want to dwell on it any more than I have to, since all that does is magnify the problems.
Now I'm beginning a new fight, a fight to live. To be okay with who I am.
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