My Raison D'etre

sweeping declaration

2012-02-12T19:53:00.000-08:00

I am done trying to get dates. Done feeling like I am in high school again because I definitely didn't almost wreck my car trying to see who was kissing each other in the parking lot today...

also, this wasn't the look on my face when I didn't almost hit a parked car. And I definitely wasn't thinking 'Get yo dang lips off mah man (who doesn't know I exist)'.

Also, I made up a word that fittingly describes most of what I post on here... cynicasm. The perfect mixture of sarcasm and cynicism.

Hi mkdlpaoiejiofpopijg bye. okay bye.

2012-02-09T21:15:00.000-08:00

I just now realized how out of practice I have become at the art of dating. (yes it is an art, and I can barely draw stick figures) Okay and what is even worse is that it isn't dating. I am not dating. It was just a stupid phone call about church stuff, but I just wouldn't shut up, and I kept looking for a way to end it, but it just kept going. I'm not going to lie, my ward is pretty slim pickin's so when one of the guys from the fatter end of the spectrum (read: opposite of slim pickin's, not opposite of skinny, just the right amount of body fat actually...) calls me, it's about to get awkward up in here, up in here. Not to mention the fact that he thinks I am a different person every time he sees me. Now excuse me while I criticize myself over every dumb thing I just said. And how to stop doing that... one day. I'm just going to go back to reading the Princess Bride again and get all emotional over Westley and Buttercup's love, is that weird?

dating analogy

2012-02-02T22:41:00.001-08:00

ok I have officially perfected it. How dating and photography follow the same rules..
you need:
lighting
luck
timing
and... good equipment.

psycho scientist

2012-02-02T18:58:00.000-08:00

So I am reading this book called "overcoming shyness" read: "How to feel better about yourself and stop beating yourself up since you are more intelligent and psychologically aware than most and that's why everyone thinks you are shy" that's a more fitting title in my humble opinion anyway. I read a few chapters in between phone calls during my 8 hour shift today. So much I want to write about it, but I won't bore you with the details. [insert my opinions on psychology, our culture, etc.] and that's all I'm saying for now.

All that you wanted was a good man

2012-01-27T21:51:00.000-08:00

Alright. It's the same story as always, but I'm bored. Bored of the same stories, people, places. Losing focus and forgetting to live in the moment. Wishing for more or different. Trying to fill an ache of something missing, when deep down you know what you're really missing-you just don't want to vocalize it for fear of sounding cliche or, dare I say, desperate.

My personal 'battlefield'
I thought I had been defeated, a failure. Beaten down, crushed, hopeless. It was everything I needed, but how and why? I always come back to the same line in Mosiah: "man doth not comprehend all the things which the Lord can comprehend." Rather than wondering why, it is more about faith and learning to trust. Trust in timing and healing among other things. Learning to trust yourself too certainly helps.

They say (who are 'they' anyway?) that you attract your emotional equal, which is probably why I haven't been satisfied long-term with any of my dating prospects thus far, because I am not satisfied or comfortable with my emotional maturity to this point. I thought going on a mission would cure that for some reason, like I would become who I needed to be right away. Then I got sick and could only see the worst parts. But I am not the same person I was.

if you were a wink, I'd be a nod

2012-01-25T21:59:00.000-08:00

People who tout the whole 'power of positive thinking' and 'the secret' piss me off. Not that I am a cynical person (not entirely anyway) It's all just a little too Pollyanna for my taste. I prefer my understanding on the matter. I guess it's just a practical application of the correspondence bias. We are all wrapped up in ourselves, we are the center of our own universe, therefore we project our own emotions and perspectives onto our interactions with the world around us. We assume everyone else knows what we are thinking and believes the same things that we believe about ourselves. So that is how it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy because we assume. For example, my sister was feeling self-conscious that she smelled bad and I said her name and was about to say, "hey do you want to come for a ride in my car with me?" but she immediately got defensive before I could say anything and said "what?! do I smell bad?" so then I'm going to wonder if she in fact does smell bad and then maybe start treating her as such. Ok that was kind of a bad example, but you get the point right? SO while I may not yet be completely in control of my emotions and reactions, I am at least figuring it all out. Yeah certain people may still say all the wrong things, but it's not really about all of that or me even, deep down it's about the attention that everyone craves, some more desperate for it than others, but give it to them, don't react, and conflict will be avoided. So when my dad tells me I'm a bad driver and I make other drivers want to shoot me, well part of it I'm feeling a little sensitive at the moment about being a less-than-stellar driver maybe and he is projecting his deeply ingrained sexist view towards women drivers.

2012-01-22T22:42:00.000-08:00

since when did it become okay to ask people out via text message?

vagueness

2012-01-22T01:48:00.000-08:00

Sometimes all it takes is a song. I just really hate people today, and remembering. I know I wouldn't want it to have played out differently than it did, but sometimes one can't help but wonder. Security. Something I crave but have never really found. It only seems to get worse really, despite the effort. I don't need help, I just need somebody to be there for me for real just to listen. When I can't pinpoint the reason, that's when it makes me nervous. I always like to be aware and have it all figured out, but now I just don't know. I've been thinking about this a lot lately, about who I relate to, who I'm really drawn to. All people who have had difficult lives, experienced pain and sadness, were different, misunderstood, mistreated, etc. Sylvia Plath, Ernest Hemingway, Virginia Woolf, Kurt Vonnegut, Jack Kerouac, Henrik Ibsen, Pablo Picasso, Marilyn Monroe, the list goes on. Too many of them killed themselves though. I can't really put it into words, but I can feel it. The pain they must have felt. The lack of support maybe. I need to read more.

I just have too much on my mind as usual. I just want to get it all out somehow. I keep writing in my five or so various journals. The art one I can't just write in or I will mess it up. The scripture one, well that's for scriptures. The others...I don' t know, it all just sounds pathetic. And why I turn to my blog when random people are reading it...the risk I guess. I miss writing like I used to. I hate how it still tries to haunt me sometimes. That voice telling me that I failed. I know I didn't. I guess that's why he says I'm "squashed" here and need to get out of this place. I just don't see how though. I know it was not for naught however; now I know that I am in control. That's a start anyway. Again the lesson I taught in Relief Society was for me more than anybody else in the room. Kind of a slap in the face. I guess I just need to let go more. And yeah. blah blah blah.

If you're inclined to feel bad for me, don't read this

2012-01-04T20:24:00.000-08:00

So I just read (most of) The Perks of Being a Wallflower..
I kind of skimmed some parts. I mostly hated it, but in some ways I could relate to some of the things that Charlie said, and felt. Except I felt a little like I needed to take a lot of showers after I was done. The main thing I liked I guess or related to was the fact that he cried a lot, didn't quite feel like he fit in in his family or elsewhere, he likes good music and good books, and what he really needed was someone/people who truly helped him feel loved, wanted, etc. They didn't expect him to be anything other than himself, they didn't want him to make excuses or explanations, and I like when Sam said to him, "It's okay to feel things. And be who you are about them." I guess what I am saying is, after 22 years I am still sort of looking for that, for those friends who will say that to me and accept me as me, not me under only certain conditions, and not what is only convenient to them.

"I'm 27...hundred years old"

2011-12-04T23:08:00.001-08:00

I am not a curse. I'm going through the stage of being annoyed, but I think I am coming to terms with things. I rolled my eyes a little when people started getting emotional, and then I had an epiphany. I could run up there barefoot and not get emotional. I can look people in the eyes and state my beliefs. There is irony for you (I am such a crybaby). I slept through the entire Christmas devotional (oops) and then I got to ride shotgun in a police car because my cousin's car got stolen.
I saw another one of my exes with his wife... then I had to decide whether I wanted to be the third wheel or the fifth wheel. (Went with third, much more stable, plus I got to ride in a cop car). Really though, I can't fathom being in a couple right now. Much like we couldn't fathom the car being stolen, I suppose.

socialism

2011-12-04T21:16:00.001-08:00

A local economics professor persistently taught that socialism could never work. The class insisted that socialism worked, and no one would be poor, and no one would be rich--a great equalizer. The professor and class agreed to an experiment on socialism. "All grades will be averaged and everyone will receive the same grad. After the first test, the grades were averaged, and everyone got a B. The students that studied hard were upset, and the students who studied little were happy. At the second test, the students who studied little had studied even less, and the ones who studied hard studied less. The test averaged a D. No one was happy. The average of the third test was an F, as was the score of all subsequent tests. Bickering, blame and name-calling all resulted in hard feelings, and no one would study for the benefit of anyone else. To the students' surprise, everyone failed the class. The professor's point was made: When reward is great, the effort to succeed is great. When government takes away the rewards, incentive to succeed is taken away.

wii fit pisses me off

2011-12-02T11:53:00.001-08:00

"A man duh (my sister named my mii) it's been a while hasn't it? well it looks like you didn't reach your goal did you? It looks like you have gained quite a bit of weight since last time. Maybe you should try setting smaller goals." Stupid wii fit I would punch it in the face if it had one.

2011-12-01T00:39:00.001-08:00

this. kills. me.

I am awkward

2011-11-30T23:21:00.001-08:00

This stupid lady who owns like a scammy modeling agency interviewed me to be a nanny for her... "you're not here for modeling are you...?" sizing me up. me, "no..." her, " oh good..." ok now that we started off on such a great note, no I will not cook, clean, and watch your kids every day for 8 dollars an hour. Also I don't know how to talk to boys anymore.

한국 서울 (Korea Seoul)

2011-11-22T15:25:00.000-08:00

저는 행복하게 살겠습니다 ^^

삶은 아름답습니다 Here is my Seoul Korea photo dump. Enjoy

2011-04-13T01:11:00.000-07:00

remember when things happened yesterday but it feels like ages ago, or when years ago feels like yesterday?
I’ve been doing a lot of remembering. (respect the instrospect)
I’ve learned a lot, cried a lot, laughed a lot. I really hope I’ve made a difference somewhere or to someone (positively). I guess we all hope that really.
I was thinking about the summer; last summer and a little beyond. Abraham Lincoln became my best friend for hours at a time with the sun kissing my skin, and my arms falling asleep under the weight of words before I could turn the page. That place became my sanctuary.
It started out slow. I found people I thought I had lost and met new ones as well. 5.10 was my goal; at a certain point I became to afraid to keep pushing myself. I found a passion there for a while, climbing those rocks.
Of course I met some boys and dated some boys. I think you don’t really know something about yourself until you see it through someone else. I definitely learned a lot about myself. Each time I was a stepping stone for something even greater (or at least I presume) and I feel so happy about that.
Those nights looking at the stars gave me clarity. Other times I was misguided and confused, more or less at a loss. But I see now and love every minute.
Then August grew cold. As did I. I learned to quit making plans too far ahead. I tried to escape through sad-sack-indie-music, dissing all that was “too mainstream”
I found “single-serving” (fight club reference) friendships (and love) again and let myself get carried away.
I have always been a real sucker for forehead kisses and odd-ball humor.
I learned that my beauty doesn’t depend on my hair or my makeup. (Though it can certainly help). I quit relying on others’ opinions of my psychological health.
On Elizabethtown the main character says he collects “last looks.” I feel I do the same, but instead of looks they are more like change-begetting moments that I sense. In the earthquake of my life, the peaks on the seismograph.
Sense is emotion for me. Life is so beautiful I get distracted trying to take every detail in sometimes. I will forever look for the unicorns in the clouds; listen to the wind’s whisperings; and feel whatever I sense.
I am so happy I am (becoming) me. I am. I am. I am.

2011-03-26T00:26:00.001-07:00

anyone know a good cure for a bad mood?

The Big Race

2011-03-23T10:46:00.000-07:00

Every once in a while if I am paying attention I can see the plan in everything. We all need each other. Desperately. Part of the problem is that most of us don't really know what we're doing; we're just trying to make it a little bit better than our parents; trying to survive. I think most of us are scared. Scared we won't be able to keep up; scared we'll fall behind. The meaning of life in my opinion is to make a difference in somebody else's life. There is no sense in allowing yourself to feel hurt by a petty comment or a remark that was not thought out, or even one that was meant to incite hurt. It isn't worth it. I say throw yourself into life at full speed. It wasn't meant to be perfect. Look at each experience as an opportunity to learn; an opportunity to grow. Make a goal to try something new every day, no matter how small. Make a goal to make someone feel special. Even better if they don't know it was you. I don't have it all figured out, but I feel I've found the important stuff--the building blocks. Now I just need to get better at implementing it. I just hope I can make a difference in someone's life. I hope people can see that I really do care.

George Clooney

2011-03-05T23:58:00.001-08:00

Modern family always make me laugh.

Santa?

2011-02-24T16:29:00.001-08:00

My dog got a little friendly with this pez dispenser. I call him tentacle man.

Oh hai, squee!!

2011-02-24T16:28:00.001-08:00

First of all, there will be none of that EVER on this blog, ok? ok!
Now that we've gotten that out of the way....

Emma Watson and I are both very tired of our super cute (aka mullet-like and kinda gross) pixie cuts.

How cute is my dog?!? Oh yeah but my hair... maybe I should start slicking it down. I mean it's alright, but when the Gary Busey comparisons start rolling in, well, isn't he handsome? I mean...there's a definite problem.

But hey life is about learning ... and making mistakes... and learning and stuff, right?
Anyway, one day my hair will look like this

and then after that my stunning good looks should stop the world from crashing to an end and all of the magnets from flying off our refrigerators. Oh and I will also be able to speak Korean :)

2011-02-17T01:18:00.001-08:00

I got my mission call to SEOUL KOREA!!! Now I am going to watch Mash and *try* to sleep. Holy Moly!

Sorry about that last post of...um shall we say, desperation?

2011-01-31T17:02:00.000-08:00

Yeah sorry about that...anyway
I have accomplished one goal. I can now drive a stick shift! My friend let me borrow her car, it's a cute bug, my dad saw me driving it and freaked out. Apparently only my sister is allowed to drive a cool car, while I am supposed to have a steel-tissue-box-from-heck, just kidding I love my car.

For some reason whenever I say the word medication lately, I keep accidentally adding a syllable and calling it medification. Sounds pretty cool right?

Sorry this is boring. Wanna know what is super exciting in my life right now though? I am supposed to get my mission call any day now. Hoo ha! I am freaking out. I have so much to do to get ready still but it is all going to work out, I know it.

And I want to give a special thanks and shout out to the blog of the Sisters 4 for taking the time to answer my question about finding skirts. Check it out, I am an addict of their style and everything else that is 'more' http://sisters4saymoreismore.blogspot.com/ I felt a special bond right away since I have three sisters as well :)

2011-01-17T17:00:00.001-08:00

can I be Jayma Mays please?

Just Dance

2011-01-05T10:35:00.000-08:00

Just Dance 2 for the Wii is the best investment I have made yet. It's super fun and I don't even realize I'm working out until I have already worked up a sweat and I love dancing. I have worked out every day this week and the awesome thing is I didn't really set New Year's resolutions this year. Since they never work I thought I would just have some general goals and just take it one day at a time and not beat myself up if I slip up one day. So far it's been good. I also haven't weighed myself since the beginning of last month...that kinda scares me..So I might be a little disillusioned.

derezzed

2011-01-02T17:29:00.001-08:00

tone matrix

2011-01-01T17:32:00.001-08:00

http://lab.andre-michelle.com/tonematrix

okay this is the coolest thing ever.

hello fully articulating five functioning robot who can speak and has emotions...

2010-12-29T00:29:00.000-08:00

this is probably going to sound incredibly harsh and mean but it's not, I promise. It's just blunt. So get over it.

blogs, facebook, the like. It's all just one big, "LOOK AT ME!" Everyone seeking that validation they never really got, or maybe the constant praise from their mother just wasn't enough. Sure, I'm guilty of it from time to time (why yes, I wanted to be part of the 'popular blogger' crowd). But are we really all THAT insecure? I suppose these things would not have arisen had the necessity lacked. To the person who started the first 'fashion blog' we worship you and all scream in unison, 'compliment me! tell me I'm beautiful! or I might die! (my parents were mean to me)' all the while posting song lyrics for titles, proclaiming our own little angsty, tragic experiences, hoping somebody, anybody, will notice.

Everyone wants to be different, everyone thinks they are so different from everyone else. But they are not. We are all, deep down (some closer to the surface than others) the most insecure of all creatures. Shy to the core. Scared. Scared that we won't be good enough. Scared that people won't like us. Yet we torture ourselves. We all secretly want people to praise our every move, outfit, experience, joke, etc. But, heaven forbid, someone gives us negative feedback it becomes a virus; we dwell on it. Rather than accepting it, we avoid. And in extreme cases, become disordered. (It is an epidemic, but this is what makes my future career such a promising prospect)

Self-esteem might be part of the problem. Not the actual concept, but the connotation of the term itself. Mainstream American culture touts the concept of self-esteem so highly, but is it really as good of a thing as everyone likes to say? Are we instead hurting our children by cushioning them from anything that might hurt them? (my answer, YES!) Now everything is all about fairness and feeling good about ourselves. Kids don't win or lose anymore because that might make them feel bad (heaven forbid they actually learn something from losing a soccer game) instead, we give them participation trophies and then they go home to their mother who tells them they are the most wonderful child in the world and all is well. Or is it?

To train a child to believe he won't fail, that he can do no wrong and that nothing bad will ever happen, is an injustice. It is akin to transplanting a hothouse flower outside. It shrivels up and dies. The perfect conditions in the hothouse were what led to its demise; it was only made weaker by being so protected.

I used to think people didn't like me, and sure some don't, and I also used to think I was a bother and a bore to most (also sure to some, but not all) but then I realized EVERYONE thinks this, at least to some degree. And yes, this is where we all have that tendency to go, "oh woe is me."..blah blah blahdy blah. But truly, the right people will come at the right time and they will like you, despite all of your insecurities. Like whoa, I know right? This is really rocket-sciency-type-stuff I know, so just try to stay with me.

See, the self-esteem I speak of, that's Satan's territory really. Which this world is moving closer and closer to. He wanted the plan to be a bounce-back ticket into heaven with no agency. Sounds awesome right? But what would be the point? Instead, we needed the opportunity to make mistakes, learn from them, and progress towards perfection. (See the plan of happiness --this is what I believe) Think about it, would we want heart surgery performed on us by someone who made it through medical school not from grades and merit, by by praise and fear that they wouldn't be able to handle failing? Extreme I know, but how far would people be willing to let things go? The plan of happiness is really what it is all about. Life does suck sometimes, but that's not all. We carry on, we keep trying, we learn from our mistakes. (and I somehow quit getting annoyed by this epidemic of attention-starved lunatics)

one of my favorite poems:

WILDFLOWERS AND HOTHOUSE-PLANTS
by: Henrik Ibsen

"OOD Heavens, man, what a freak of taste!
What blindness to form and feature!
The girl's no beauty, and might be placed
As a hoydenish kind of creature."

No doubt it were more in the current tone
And the tide today we move in,
If I could but choose me to make my own
A type of our average woman.

Like winter blossoms they all unfold
Their primly maturing glory;
Like pot-grown plants in the tepid mould
Of a window conservatory.

They sleep by rule and by rule they wake,
Each tendril is taught its duties;
Were I worldly-wise, yes, my choice I'd make
From our stock of average beauties.

For worldly wisdom what do I care?
I am sick of its prating mummers;
She breathes of the field and the open air,
And the fragrance of sixteen summers.

2010-12-17T07:12:00.001-08:00

The final countdown

2010-12-15T06:31:00.000-08:00

Every time I say to someone, "Hey! How's it goin'?" They, like, suddenly forget how to understand English and ask me if I grew up in Germany. What the WTFudge?

Also I woke up to this song this morning. I can't listen to it without thinking of this and this. Would if there were a more perfect start to the morning...I submit there is not!

*POHCW or PACHOW! (if you so desire)

2010-12-15T06:25:00.000-08:00

*pictures of hot celebrities Wednesday. (Posting Accolades of Celebrity Hotness On Wednesday..yeah I totally just did that)
Top: Tom Hardy from Inception. Gorgeous, need I say more? (I don't condone smoking however)
Bottom: and James Franco forever. Freaks and Geeks, always. (click through for his gorgeous smile, you know you wanna)

[happy music today]

2010-12-14T18:41:00.000-08:00

Loving this music today. Now to study more...

2010-12-14T12:31:00.000-08:00

If I can stop one Heart from

breaking

I shall not live in vain

If I can ease one Life the Aching

Or cool one Pain

I shall not live in Vain

Emily Dickinson

The heart of life

2010-12-14T07:36:00.000-08:00

I went to sleep at 9:30 last night. It was awesome, except I woke up at 7:30. 10 hours may be a bit much. Eventually I will start waking up at 6.

And now I am texting someone I don't even know, because he texted a wrong number. He now wants relationship advice. hahaha. Good thing he accidentally texted a psychology major.

I should probably start studying for the test I have in a few hours.

update: I don't know what it is, but I have this uncanny ability to attract people who will tell me their entire life story or their deepest darkest secrets that they have never told anybody else before. This random guy who texted me this morning started telling me about his sexual experimentation when he was younger. I guess it was good practice for when I become a psychologist. When my friend asked me why I kept talking to him, I told her I wanted to help him and also it seemed like it might be a good missionary opportunity and right as I was saying that, some missionaries happened to be walking up right next to us. I started laughing, I know they heard me. I almost said "speak of the devil" out of habit, but it just didn't seem appropriate in that situation...

...so hurry up and get here.

2010-12-13T19:41:00.000-08:00

I kinda know where I need to be now. Or maybe it's one of those, "the grass is greener situations" probably like it always is, since I am never really content in one place for too long. But yesterday was different. A refreshing break from the norm. People seemed to genuinely care; a stark contrast from tonight. Mostly ignoring chatter about finals, trends, dating, and marriage, through mouthfuls of too much pizza, I could hardly stomach it anymore. I wanted to escape. Like I usually end up wanting to do. Curse this wanderlust.

It's almost laughable the point to which I don't even care about dating anymore. I *always have a boyfriend, but my major lack of enthusiasm seems to have shot that horse in the face, which, almost disconcertingly, doesn't bother me at all.

Finals week is here. Need I say more. I am honestly more stressed about being able to sell my contract for the house which I have been living in. I have bigger things on my mind than school right now. The only texts I have received from anybody in the last couple of weeks usually contain the word, "no" and if I am lucky, "sorry" **WOOOOO....

*gratuitous self-boosting of the ego
**I generally do not endorse woo girls of any kind but I am willing to make an exception here. Yes, I realize I am being esoteric as I like to make connections in my mind that nobody else seems to get. So ha.

This may offend some people

2010-12-13T11:10:00.000-08:00

but I am super tired from staying up too late to watch Dexter last night with my sister and I just drove an hour and a half back "home" or whatever I am calling it these days. I am fed up.. With technology in general, social networking mostly. It really ruins relationships. People who I would normally never see or only see on special occasions like family gatherings are really *really* starting to bother me. Things I would never really know about, I am knowing way too much about. Talk about the pride cycle. I really feel like people are starting to only think of things in terms of, "will this look awesome on facebook/my blog/whatever?" Ever read that blog by John Mayer waaay back in the day? he talked about this very same thing, but put it much more eloquently than I ever could of course.(here it is) I am being a hypocrite by blogging about this, but really I want to quit! Only my true friends need to know what's going on in my life. I don't want to run out of things to say to people because they already read it on my facebook status. Sure I want to make a difference, everyone does, but I don't want to get sucked into the trap of pride and being so incredibly vain.

just some eye candy/my fake bf

2010-12-09T23:51:00.000-08:00

Yummy soup

2010-12-09T23:24:00.000-08:00

I need a haircut...already..again...

SO i have basically checked out of school, which is bad because finals are next week. I already want my job to end, because, quite frankly, I just want to move back home. Yes I am moving back in with my parents. I know, I am living with my parents. Not for long though! You shall see! Does anybody even really read this? I don't even know why I still blog, I think it is mostly just to entertain myself, since I must think I'm hilarious or something. The guy at the rock gym who thought my corduroy pants were shiny from a distance, he thought I was funny. Gosh darn. I also climbed a 5.10 which is pretty alright in my book. Not sure why I can't bring myself to push myself any further however.

So, Anywhay, All these first graders in Ohio wrote poems for my work (publishing company that hosts poetry contests which I help judge) about Thanksgiving and every single one of them wrote, "Thanksgiving is eating yummy soup" WHO the HECK eats SOUP on THANKSGIVING?!?!?! That's what I want to know. Really now. Those Ohioans, I tell you.

2010-12-07T23:00:00.001-08:00

silly 18 year olds, marriage is for grown ups!

it's okay, it's just pain.

2010-12-07T15:28:00.000-08:00

I mean...hehehe wow they're shiny!
I could never get sick of this movie.

"i'm what you would call a 'sensey'"

2010-12-06T17:26:00.000-08:00

To whom it may concern:
Just because I cry and I cry a lot, doesn't mean I am depressed in any way. Don't ask me why or tell me what to do, it's just a natural reaction that I can't control, my tears betray my true emotions. Because truly, I am happy. Happy with the best decision for me in my life right now. Happy to know the truth. Happy to observe my surroundings with greater contemplation than most. Happy and grateful to be so incredibly blessed, happy to be supported in so many ways. I am what they call an HSP (happy special person...just kidding, it actually stands for Highly Sensitive Person) I don't see it as a negative thing at all. Just misunderstood at best. This explains the great arc in the pendulum of emotion, and emotion is truth; truth, light; and light, happiness. Most will not grasp this, and I feel a little bad for those who don't feel, as I feel.

2010-12-03T10:03:00.000-08:00

funny how the same things that you used to find endearing about a person can become the very things that drive you insane. This is why I am afraid to get married. Just kidding. Things are bugging me lately really bad. In a way, I have to rant. Here is a list of my pet peeves, in no particular order. Dr. Cox style:

-Anne Hathaway
-almost every movie with Anne Hathaway in which she starts out ugly and becomes pretty
-snow and ice
-mostly ice
-my car getting destroyed little by little by idiot drivers
-me getting billed for my stitches when my boss was supposed to take care of it
-people who don't know how to speak properly. Especially when they say ain't or "I seen it"
-certain voices belonging to annoying people in my classes who never shut up and never stop making idiots out of themselves.
-perception and psychophysics.
-people who condescendingly call me sweetie or honey and hon' or anything similar
-ex-boyfriends who get engaged 2-3 months after we break up (I should set up a business, really)...ok that one isn't a pet peeve actually, I just find it hilarious.

Welcome home

2010-12-01T19:51:00.000-08:00

Work was better today. School went by without too much event. I ate healthier food than usual today and I feel better. Icy roads still make me want to scream and cry. A couple of the poems that I read at work made me want to cry. There was one called Hour Glass and it described so beautiful an ocean with waves crashing back and forth and preparing sand for an unborn generation and that the earth is just a grain of sand in an hourglass...that description doesn't do it justice, but it was just beautiful. Some kids have talent beyond anything I can imagine. I wish I could write like that. I think back to my feeble attempts at poetry and laugh. Something needs to get me out of this antisocial funk.

2010-11-30T21:16:00.000-08:00

Someone hit my car and I am very mad. I know I drive a crappy car but that is no reason to hit and run. Poor, poor Gammy, now she has two huge holes. I cried and I may have swore a little. I feel bad, the last two times my mom has called me, I was bawling. I don't know why I have been so emotional lately it's ridiculous. But there is white/gold paint on my car and I am going to find out who did it, because Gammy doesn't deserve to be so exposed like she is.

2nd day of work tomorrow, let's make it better than the first! Also, (all 2 of you who read this) I made a face wash scrub out of stuff from my pantry. You should try it! I think my roommate thought I was nutso while I was making it. Anyway, here is my recipe

Burnt brown sugar scrub (amounts are approx.)
2 tbl extra virgin olive oil
1 tbl castor oil
2 tbl grapeseed oil
1/4 cup brown sugar
1 tsp cinnamon
works best in a small jar with a lid, blend all ingredients together, you can adjust the amounts until it mixes into a nice, thick paste. If you don't want it to be a scrub, skip the brown sugar.

2010-11-29T22:54:00.001-08:00

who knew doodling was an art? I want to get a nice journal and start zentangling.

Let's bucket list this b*tch

2010-11-28T17:40:00.000-08:00

I feel like I am losing it a little. I haven't been doing my homework. I have basically lost all motivation, not sure why. Given the opportunity to go hang out, I don't want to, I just want to read and be a total homebody. At home for the break my dad asked, "why don't you go out and do something fun? go make out with somebody!" ...me: "no...I don't really want to" dad: "fine..it's your face I guess." Yeah, I really have no desire to date at the moment...so sorry boys. Unless anyone knows a guy who resembles James Marsden, I'd be okay with that.

For Christmas I wanted to get some nice, warm, waterproof snow boots that are also cute. I put on my old ones and my dad tried to convince me that they were cute, but they are totally not. They do their job though, and I realized that I don't really need or want cute snow boots for Christmas. Been thinking more about the whole want vs. need thing and I think I am just going to take the money my parents would have spent and put it in savings and not touch it and eventually with my new job, get enough to fund another humanitarian trip. heh.

meet me halfway

2010-11-26T18:10:00.000-08:00

I realized today that I hate black friday, and I am really struggling with the Christmas season more and more. Not because I am a Scrooge. But, I blame it on society, really. I always get a little down around Christmas time because it just annoys me every time I realize how consumer driven everything is becoming, and how the true meaning is being lost more and more. Now stores are opening at midnight? I could barely even stay awake until then last night. Sure, I like to buy stuff, but this is all just getting out of hand. I guess what really did it for me was reading an article about "the great blizzard of 2010" and finding a line somewhere within it to the effect of, 'it's going to be dangerously cold for both the homeless and the black friday shoppers' does that not disgust you and make you want to cry?

This Christmas season (or whatever you celebrate in the winter time) do something kind for someone else, donate money to a charity if you can, shovel someone's driveway, give someone a hug, tell someone you love them, make someone cookies, write someone a letter. Let us not forget the true meaning of Christmas this year.

2010-11-24T19:45:00.001-08:00

aren't you jealous that I went to the eiffel tower? oh and I made that headband.

2010-11-23T22:44:00.000-08:00

this is me being really stupid. hopefully you get a good laugh at least. I have mascara all over because I was laughing so hard I was crying.

I am happy, you are happy. So let's be happy together, whether the whether is cloudy or stormy...

2010-11-23T00:28:00.000-08:00

tomorrow evening is supposed to be the storm of the century, or something like that. I really want to get home to see my family sooner than later so I may be skipping a test (I can drop one test in that class...probably not the best idea, but whatever). I don't really know why I put that in parentheses but oh well.

Today I learned that I kind of might actually really hate the snow. Especially when I have to drive in it or walk to class in it in my lack of snow boots which makes it so every step is risking death. Certainly!
I also learned that it has been awhile since I have actually had to talk with my retainer in. Can we say awkward??? awkward...ok good. (just try to say peach slushy, I dare you)
And I learned that maybe I shouldn't talk so loud in class because some weird/semi-cute guy (I say weird because he is a psychology major too, and while I may have had what i call a slight *'eye candy crush' on him, we all know you just don't date psych majors, or a woman if you are one [funny line from Colin Hay song]...well unless you're a lesbian, but that's another story) might overhear your conversation and then recognize you when he comes over--to your house to see your roommate--whilst you are passing by in your pajamas, sans make-up, and see above mention about the retainer issue. yeah...

*a guy who you can inconspicuously stare at during class, but probably will never actually get the guts to talk to.

2010-11-21T16:52:00.000-08:00

At church I may have accidentally done this when they announced everyone who is engaged...I don't want to get married anytime soon, it's just gettin' old.

More than a thousand words

2010-11-20T02:10:00.000-08:00

I'm in a picture sort of mood


My new favorite dress. Found at the DI!

don't mind my underarmor...

sistahs and me messing around before my blind date


ugly sweater party...he was happy to see me. I was mortified...

ugly sweaty party

2010-11-20T01:49:00.000-08:00

I mean sweater...

I decided that when I get married, my reception is going to be a big dance party, not one of those stuffy, tacky, boring receptions. One of my roommates got married today and her reception was like a big party, it was fun. I may have OD'd on eclairs...

Oh hi David Bowie...nice hair ya got there... thatsa real nice

and can I just be Carey Mulligan please?

Oh and I am kind of mad at Glee/Gwyneth Paltrow for ruining Singing in the Rain. I mean come on!

Here are some pictures from when my mom and one of my sisters came to visit

oh hey legs, what's up.. Accident, but I like how it turned out

The sun was bright. That was before I cut my hairs....

Me and my mama on a fall hike.

I was going to post photos of my night tonight but my iphoto is being dumbpants so that will have to wait...

goodnight!

You're scaring my livestock!

2010-11-18T21:11:00.000-08:00

I got a job. I told myself and the universe (haha cheesy but true) that I would get a job and I did! I don't have to work weekends or past 5, how great is that?

I love life.

I realized something else today. if you don't let people know you're nervous, they won't ever know you're nervous, if you don't act like you are! You would think it's rocket science or something...

I love that my dad loves those cheesy motivational posters and sayings. Last weekend he quoted to me like it was scripture, "People won't care how much you know until they know how much you care" i chuckled a little inside but they really are words to live by.

P.s. I'm really sorry feet, I know you are still hurting from those wonderful, but painful oxford wedges I made you wear all day at school today. I promise I will take better care of you and only inflict that kind of pain when it is absolutely necessary. Like that wedding reception tomorrow...

Skirts, dreams, hair, and humor

2010-11-18T10:39:00.000-08:00

In an attempt to look nice(er than usual...hehe) for a presentation I have today, I ripped my favorite pencil skirt... blargh. Granted it was 10 dollars, I am still super sad about it. It was military style, looked like it was from the 40's or 50's and the zipper broke, got stuck, so the only way to get it off my woman hips was to rip it. I almost cried with each pop of the seams. I hate that I get so attached to my clothes....

My dream this morning:
-someone gave me some bright orange pills that I had to take for something
-I was standing in a barn and I didn't have any water
-then it turned into a library
-still didn't have any water
-tried to swallow said orange pills and started choking.
-woke up vaguely, only coherent enough to realize I was cupping copious amounts of saliva...gross...
don't even worry that I immediately fell back asleep and started dreaming that I was telling everyone about the dream that I had just had
then woke up/fell asleep again and dreamed yet again that I was dreaming that I was telling people about the dream that I had. Inception....what?

I need to start taking more pictures.... My friend Mike is all worried that I am going to start wearing cargo pants now that I have boy hair. If you ever see me in cargo pants I give you permission to punch me and burn my pants. Especially if they are camo.

P.s. this made my day:

you're welcome arteries....I mean sorry...?

2010-11-16T00:24:00.000-08:00

I ate too much fried food today. I had a fried twinkie for the first time. It was good so I ate another one. (I see those judgmental eyes...stop it now or you will receive a punch in the face).
Some girl was there complaining about people not recycling and being all grossed out by the fried stuff (don't get me wrong I love recycling and all of that stuff but I just hate people who get all preachy about it, and Eat Drink and Be Merry! (so far as mormon's permit :)) Come on! [said like Gob in arrested development) so I may or may not have said something incredibly snide about vegans not being able to eat vegetables because bees pollinated them...or something like that.

I would also like to share with you a poem written by my sister when she was about 8 or so... I burst into embarrassing laughter every time I think of it:

"Now I must go to my room
until my hour of doom"

I heart Emma Watson

2010-11-15T08:57:00.001-08:00

Letters to the editor

2010-11-12T22:25:00.000-08:00

Dear Kid-I-Don't-Know,
don't plagiarize Maya Angelou...duh, just don't. Whoever let that slide... IDIOT!

Dear parents' new iMac,
you are beautiful. Apple magic mouse you are pretty cool too, if I do say so myself. And time machine I better not let you feel left out. But Steve Jobs, sorry but you are kind of a "pompous dick head" (not my words...

Dear world-conspiring-against-me,
I am sick of getting blamed or in trouble for things I didn't do, so let's please be done with that now. Ok thanks.

Dear 22-year old creep,
stay away from my sister!

Dear future employers,
hire me! I am awesome!

Dear Dexter,
stop making me be addicted to you, but dang it Julia Stiles I'm hooked.

Dear Modern family,
you are hilarious and complete my life.

Dear Ice Cream,
stop being so freaking delicious!

Dear people who walk behind me on my way to school and then start walking faster and faster and then pass me...stop it! it annoys me. Don't you judge me.

Dear people who still have I love Obama stickers on your cars,
you are lucky I didn't have a permanent marker with me today. You're welcome. That is all... heh heh heh.

P.s. in the words of my perception and psychophysics professor, "I hope you all know, the internet is not a big truck. It just isn't. Ok good...moving on....awkward..."

Love,
Amanda

2010-11-06T16:46:00.000-07:00

So....I cut my hair....

I would never actually do it like this, but just having fun

I was just a little shocked when I looked down and saw how much hair she cut off but I love it...I wish I was actually photogenic though

2010-10-31T22:39:00.000-07:00

i will give you a prize if you can guess who i dressed up as for halloween

2010-10-27T23:36:00.001-07:00

Yesterday and today I took for myself. Yep I’m selfish. I didn’t do homework. I caught up on laundry, semi-organized my room. washed my sheets, pillowcases etc. Attempted to catch up on tv shows…yes it’s that important. I’m kind of ridiculous sometimes…I hate that when I start something I can’t just do it in bouts, I usually have to work at it and finish it in one go. Exhibit A (I will post a pic later) … I decided I wanted another earflap peruvian hat or whatever they are called so after starting/undoing/restarting a few times I finally figured out how I wanted it to look (making up your own pattern is hard) and I may have stayed up until 6 a.m. crocheting and watching weeds/community/just friends/failure to launch…but the finished product was worth it.
In the morning when my friend Gustavo texted me asking if I wanted to hang out later that night I vaguely remember responding and at the time it made total sense to me and I didn’t think anything of it, but later I realized I was asleep and when I read it again to my roommate, we laughed so hard we cried and we woke up another roommate who was wondering what we were crying about. Here is what I said:

“Yeah I think we are Gustavo in joining the hat”

what the crap? ? ? I still keep laughing about it. Obviously my hat that I spent all night working on was still on the brain… but no makey sensey!

Gustavo is the best friend anyone could ask for. He is the most perceptive person I have probably ever known. We had a good serious talk while waiting for our take-out at chili’s after he took me to get some yarn and other crafting necessities. (checker at michael’s: “wow you must really like vanna white yarn…” me:” yeah…well it was cheap”) Oh and what is the deal with creepy old men lately? last night at Taco Tuesday some guy was staring at me and then when Matt gave me a hug because I was cold, the guy says, “you look comfy…and tired” …thanks? And then the guy at Wal-Mart, “oh so you decided not to get hot chocolate after all?” Good to know somebody was keeping tabs on my seasonal food buying…

Gustavo said the first thing he thought when he met me in the beginning of the summer was whoa here’s a girl who has experienced more life than someone in their thirties but she looks fourteen! hahaha. Ah I love life!

When we walked in the door a woman from the stake relief society was there as well as my friend kelsie who is in the ward relief society. The woman from the stake spoke in stake conference and gave the most amazing talk. I want to be just as in tune with the spirit as she is. I can’t even describe it but being in the room with her was incredible. She is the type of lady I aspire to be.

We ate our molten lava cakes while watching So I Married an Axe Murderer. I accidentally happened to turn the volume up at the exact moment Mike Meyers said the F word. ah comedic timing.

Tomorrow I’m really going to do my homework.

The Cave- Mumford and Sons

2010-10-24T22:54:00.001-07:00

It's empty in the valley of your heart
The sun, it rises slowly as you walk
Away from all the fears
And all the faults you've left behind

The harvest left no food for you to eat
You cannibal, you meat-eater, you see
But I have seen the same
I know the shame in your defeat

But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again

Cause I have other things to fill my time
You take what is yours and I'll take mine
Now let me at the truth
Which will refresh my broken mind

So tie me to a post and block my ears
I can see widows and orphans through my tears
I know my call despite my faults
And despite my growing fears

But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again

So come out of your cave walking on your hands
And see the world hanging upside down
You can understand dependence
When you know the maker's hand

So make your siren's call
And sing all you want
I will not hear what you have to say

Cause I need freedom now
And I need to know how
To live my life as it's meant to be

And I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again

God Thinks You're Wonderful- Max Lucado

2010-10-22T01:09:00.000-07:00

God is Fond of you. If he had a wallet, your photo would be in it. If he had a refrigerator, your picture would be on it. He sends you flowers every spring and a sunrise every morning. Whenever you want to talk, he’ll listen. He can live anywhere in the universe, and he chose your heart. Face it, friend. He is crazy about you. By the way, it may be difficult for you to believe that God knows your name…but he does. Written on his hand, spoken by his mouth, whispered by his lips. Your name. “I have written your name on my hand.” Isaiah 49:16. Our hearts are not large enough to contain the blessings that God wants to give. So try this. The next time a sunrise steals your breath or a meadow of flowers leaves your speechless, remain that way. Say nothing and listen as heaven whispers, “Do you like it? I did it just for you.” If we give gifts to show our love, how much more would he? He could have left the world flat and gray…but he didn’t. He splashed orange in the sunrise and cast the sky in blue. And if you love to see geese as they gather, chances are you’ll see that too. Why give a flower fragrance? Why give food its taste? Could it be he loves to see that look upon your face? So promise me you’ll never forget that you aren’t an accident or an incident…you are a gift to the world, a divine work of art, signed by God. You were knit together – Psalm 139:13. You weren’t mass-produced. You aren’t an assembly-line product. You were deliberately planned, specifically gifted, and lovingly positioned on this earth by the Master Crafts-man. Turn to the sidelines; that’s God cheering your run. Look past the finish line; that’s God applauding your steps. God is for you. Had he a calendar, your birthday would be circled. If there’s a tree in heaven, he’s carved your name in the bark. Maybe you don’t want to trouble God with your hurts. But “he cares about you” (1 Peter 5:7). He is waiting for you, to embrace you whether you succeed or fail. Your heavenly Father is very fond of you and only wants to share his love with you. Untethered by time, God sees us all. Vagabonds and ragamuffins all, he saw us before we were born and he loves what he sees. Flooded by emotion, overcome by pride, the starmaker turns to us, one by one, and says, “You are my child. I love you dearly. I’m aware that someday you’ll turn from me and walk away. But I want you to know, I’ve already provided a way back.” You have captured the heart of God. He cannot bear to live without you. God’s dream is to make you right with him. God does more than forgive our mistakes; he removes them! We simply have to take them to him. You can talk to God because God listens. Let a tear appear on your cheek, and he is there to wipe it. He has sent his angels to care for you, his Holy spirit to dwell in you, his church to encourage you, and his word to guide you. As much as you want to see him, he wants to see you more. If you want to touch God’s heart, use the name he loves to hear. Call him “Father.” He thinks you’re wonderful!

I picture you out there...it must be beautiful

2010-10-13T19:41:00.000-07:00

So I’m a mentor in a program for at risk youth and it just breaks my heart sometimes. It’s such an amazing experience though, but after tonight I fear for my future children. Just kidding. But once the girl I mentor made friends with another girl they kept running away from me and the other girl’s mentor. We both stood there (while they kept taunting us and darting off) talking about our loves and losses and how we are going to be terrible mothers. Well I’m not going to be a terrible mother, not if I can help it. I hope in some way I can positively influence this girl’s life and help it be a little better. When she came out of her house crying I wanted to cry with her, I felt like I was rescuing her in a way, and when it was time to take her home again I felt a little sad.
I brought all of my winter stuff up from my parents’ house. Not sure if I am ready for that. So far this has been a great October though. I can feel it’s only going to get better. Crossing my fingers anyway. Perception and Psychophysics is still kicking my butt. Oh well. I want blonde hair again…yeah I’m fickle, but only in that aspect now…

You're in denial...

2010-09-16T22:58:00.000-07:00

Alright I am back again. I get bored of things way too fast. I'm impulsive. I sabotage everything. My room is a mess. But life is great.

Funny how when I actually am assertive, I get totally chewed out and now everyone is making me out to be the antagonist. Get me out of this town.

I love roommates though, they teach me so much and make me want to be better.

I went to Tony Grove today again. The trees were turning red and orange and yellow and it was incredible. We walked around the lake and I kept imagining sea monsters in the depths.

I ate some gas station nachos earlier. Note to self: don't EVER do that again. Then a girl told me I look just like Kirsten Dunst. I'll take it as a compliment.

I left my body behind to break the news

2010-08-09T04:15:00.000-07:00

I could feel it all; the crisp fall air stinging my eyes and then there was the disparaged and somewhat somber look in her eyes as she took her last breath and disappeared beneath the water a final time. Her last thoughts, perhaps her children? her husband from whom she so desperately needed escape? Or possibly this was that freedom she had been searching for all along. There was a strange sense of peace in that kind of finality. A different sense of reality.

I was there when they found his body face down in that pool, those cuff links I would not forget, and the air that hung thick, sick, and sad. Extravagant parties, lavish mansions, and booze; a life lived in longing, jealousy and lies. I saw it all. Hypocrisy now litters the ground, rivaled only by the growing pool of crimson. I can't stay here long. My stomach starts to churn.

I watch quietly as the young woman painfully and dutifully gives birth to a child only to continue working the field after what seemed to be mere moments. I stand there in awe, unable to fathom such a life. How could her husband be so calloused? Is the child going to survive? Will she be able to break free? So many unanswered questions but none of them matter. This is the only life she knows.

My mouth is dry, I swallow and there is the bitter after taste of revenge and regret; then the sweet and sad of lost love and a faint hope for what could have been. This is not the life he wanted. I can feel his pain as he looks back in remorse at the chateau and tries to forget.

I escape and yet I feel. I feel it all. I run from page to page, scarcely remembering the weight in my hands. The distinct smell of ink and paper fill my nostrils and with each line I pass, I grow a little more.

Asleep on a train

2010-08-08T13:25:00.000-07:00

House of Cards
The wind playfully caresses my hair as I recline in the stiff wooden chair on the uneven, overgrown grass. The distant muffled sound of laughter, chatter, and a rousing game of Guitar Hero mesh with the soft acoustic music coming from the ipod on the stairwell, my ipod. I close my eyes and forget where I am.

This is bliss.
A tap on the shoulder snaps me back to reality. "I heard you're an amazing dancer, come show us your moves." I laugh to myself but oblige anyway. I forget how stupid I look. Nobody believes me that I have no idea what I'm doing and that's when it hits me; nobody has to know.

Well I'm awkward and that's a fact...

2010-08-08T00:47:00.000-07:00

See how pretty those three princess girls are on the left and then there is me in the middle. Maybe if I didn't wear those stupid socks, but I look like a freakin hooker from the fifties in harry potter land. Yes I am embarrassed and that rarely happens. That's all I really can say for now because I am still feeling the after effects of Oh my Gosh what is wrong with me?

But here is a pretty picture, mostly it is pretty because I am not in it and I like sunsets.

And this one is silhouetted which is naaaas (nice) and you cannot see my awful faux pas of the hideous sock nature. I am going to go vomit now.

Please slow it down

2010-08-07T17:00:00.000-07:00

I and Love and You I love love love love. love.

Work was good today except for this guy who wanted to take me to lunch and then I had to pay for it...lame...haha just kidding. I had fun making a fool out of my self, spilling my sandwich everywhere.

I just want to say thank you to the world today. It's beautiful, I feel loved. I'm glad my friends are watching out for me, even if they use the ruse of stealing half of my sandwich and ice cream as soon as I step out of my car.

The strength of blood

2010-08-07T09:34:00.000-07:00

I don't know why it bothers me so much when my nail polish starts chipping. Once it does I pick at it until it's all gone, I can't help it.

Entropy. Order to chaos. Everything eventually becomes chaos, that is the natural state of man. The government, day to day relationships, family, it's all whirring through my mind, it's all falling apart.

I paint over the top of each nail with a polymer shield so it won't chip, a feeble and symbolic attempt to keep everything from falling apart. I'm too afraid to call and find out what's really happening, I'm not sure if I really want to bring those emotions to the surface again. I'm afraid the longer I put it off, the worse it will get. I just don't want to hear my mom cry anymore, she deserves so much more, we all do.

Nothing's gonna change my world

2010-08-07T00:54:00.000-07:00

Here's to the late nights sitting on the steps, inhaling the cool canyon breezes, discussing everything until emotions well up inside, while piles of laundry still taunt me in the distance.

I guess we don't always get what we want, but I'm realizing we do get what we need. He keeps telling me to just get over it and I really do wish it were that easy. I'm fairly certain everyone walking past thinks we are in a relationship and in the process of an emotional break up. The two of us sitting as far apart on the steps as possible; me crying, yet I still say hello to all who pass by. The thunder was oddly soothing and I would have been content had this night never ended.
Where I might be lacking certain things, I am content with myself, I know I am on my way to being who I need to be. It's that much more satisfying looking back at everything I have overcome to get here. I seem to have forgotten how to live in the moment as of late; however, on this night I am overwhelmed with a sense of calm, a sense of healing, a sense of peace. So this is what a real friendship feels like. I rather like it.

When in doubt, pinky out

2010-08-02T02:58:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I think I'm a lot funnier than other people do. But that's okay. Sometimes I do dumb things.. Like dye my hair again, the box said golden blonde but no, it's now a lovely reddish brown...ick. It's demi permanent so I'm hoping it will just eventually wash out?

I floated the Cutler Dam with a few people at about one in the morning this morning, (after a lovely game night consisting of mormon russian roulette [involves flipping cards until one person is left with the lowest card and they have to drink/eat something gross] and a few other games that were hilarious yet I am feeling too lazy to describe them at the moment) I was freaking out but it was so much fun, we walked a ways in the dark and I think all of my Bones watching has turned me into a super paranoid person, I kept expecting to run into a dead body in some horrific way or a serial killer/rapist/crazy person and since I was freaking out, everyone else of course used that to their advantage.. There was a guy there who looked just like James Franco, I made a fool out of myself as always but no matter. Now I can at least say I did something spontaneous this summer, googly moogly!

I like cheese and that's a fact.

Aaaaaaand scene

The Reporter Frock Grosgrain Giveaway

2010-07-23T00:31:00.000-07:00

The Reporter Frock Grosgrain Giveaway

tragikarian

2010-07-17T05:40:00.000-07:00

Tragikarian I can't stop listening to this. This is one of those songs where I listen to it and I just cry, I need to cry, need to feel. It's not a crying in sadness, a little in fear and a little in loneliness. It makes me consider my life and wonder where I'm going and how grateful I am for all of the wonderful people I have, without whom I don't think I could make it. I think about all of the stupid reasons why I am upset and frustrated lately and can't help but laugh at the fact that I know I am going to look back on all of this and realize just how dumb I was being and that my frustrations were for naught.

it's going to be LEGENDARY!

2010-07-03T15:27:00.000-07:00

Ok I am obsessed with How I Met Your Mother; just finished season 1 and I want to know, you know, how he met their mother! hello!

Currently I am listening to Duran Duran, wild boys...that's right. And I am making my hair go back to its natural color, for real. This is good. Little by little working on simplifying my life and my routine.

This week has basically been the best week ever. Rock climbing every day, Tennis and volleyball one night, Avatar outside with friends, another movie night with friends, basically people being very good to me all around. (who cares that I always talk about incessantly stupid things in front of my crush at the moment..? haha) Work didn't even get in the way terribly too much and I even got to go boating yesterday (I can still wakeboard, yes!) After last week, this week was a major blessing. I just need to start going to bed earlier...the other night it was those dang mormon messages that distracted me until 3 a.m. you should have seen me just sitting there watching them on my ipod, I had to keep pausing the videos to wipe all the tears off the screen. I just love those things. It's the best feeling ever when you read something or watch something that fills you with the spirit of wanting to progress and do everything you can to become a better person in every way. I hope I don't ever lose that.

Wouldn't it be nice...

2010-05-25T10:03:00.000-07:00

So I am kind of super sad that Bones is over until the fall...What will I ever do with myself in the meantime????

I love talking to people and having conversations that contain real substance. It really peeves me when guys are such imbeciles that they can't even talk about anything and it always leads to, "hey well...wanna make out?" Your lame kissing couldn't make up for everything your brain lacks, sorry dude!

That is all for now...

Music soothes my soul

2010-05-18T13:55:00.000-07:00

come let go by xavier rudd. can't stop listening to it.
oh now this guy tells me that I have OCD. Good. Sheesh if i had everything everyone tells me that I have I would really be in bad shape...

2010-05-09T00:06:00.000-07:00

kelsie and kalli are my roommates again, yay! big huge mix up and turns out my landlord sold me a contract to a room that he had already given to someone else...so I moved all of my stuff out into my car and my mom's car and then after a huge ordeal and going back and forth to my landlord's office I ended up moving my stuff across the hall from where i had been living. big. pain. in. the. butt. but now I have two twin beds which i turned into a king sized bed. shh don't tell my landlord. The dumb boys across the hall always have their door open and I think they are just trying to get us to come hang out with them....lame. oh and to the girl who lived in my room before me, EEWWW you are disgusting, I had to snake all of your freaking long black disgusting hair out of my drain just so i could shower today....puke.

Just ain't gonna work out

2010-04-09T13:50:00.000-07:00

Mayer Hawthorne - Just Ain't Gonna Work Out from Stones Throw on Vimeo.

Crush of the week...

2010-04-07T11:56:00.000-07:00

Find me a man who dresses like him. SOooooo hot.
Also, I am so happy for Sally's for being cheap so I can feed my impulsive desires to dye my hair. . .

A cornball thing (but by no means trivial)

2010-04-04T14:11:00.000-07:00

I want you to get swept away out there. I want to you levitate. I want
you to sing with rapture and dance like a dervish . . . yeah be deliriously
happy or a least leave yourself open to be. I know it's a cornball thing,
but love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. I say,
fall head over heels, find someone you can love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back. How do you find him? Well, you forget your head
and listen to your heart. The truth is, there's no sense living your life
without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love, well, you
haven't lived a life at all. But you have to try, because if you haven't
tried, you haven't lived. -William Parrish, Meet Joe Black
One of my favorite movies of all time is Meet Joe Black. Aside from it being a chick flick, there is so much wisdom to be learned. Although the quote above refers to falling in love, romantic love, I like to equate it to passion and zeal for life in general. While at times daunting, finding one's passion in life is truly one of life's great purposes. Finding that thing with which truly cannot be lived without; whether it be love for another person, a profession, religion, spirituality, all are needed in some respect to fulfill one's life quest for that which is passion. Passion can lead to great accomplishment. One must be open to this passion, however, only then can life truly be experienced as it should; lived to the capacity of great happiness and even joy.
Passion is belief. Passion is joy. Joy is true happiness and love. One of my passions is my religion: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I know with a surety beyond any doubt of its everlasting truth, and the happiness that its gospel brings to my life. Without it, there would be no purpose to my life. I believe in Christ's atonement for my sins and the sins of all of God's children. On this day especially I rejoice in his magnificent sacrifice for me. I can only begin to fathom the sacrifice made; the pain endured; and the love freely given. He died for me, and now resurrected in eternal glory, he lives for me!
What are your passions in life? What makes your life worth living?

What was your name? Eggnog?

2010-04-02T17:17:00.000-07:00

I really dislike people who find it necessary to correct people given any chance they get, and use it as a means to act superior.

I know I'm not perfect, but to continually ridicule me and belittle me due to one little slip-up is just not fair. It shouldn't happen, but sometimes I get hurt feelings.

I wish I knew every word in the dictionary; I wish I knew everything, but the verdict is that I'm an imbecile. If there is one thing I will teach my children when/if I have them; it will be to never correct someone or give them advice unless it is asked for. If only everyone else could have that same decency.

To Become Real

2010-03-31T10:19:00.000-07:00

"...Generally by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints, and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand." (The Skin Horse from The Velveteen Rabbit)

The Velveteen Rabbit is one of my favorite books from my childhood. If you have never read it or had it read to you I recommend you go here: The Velveteen Rabbit

The excerpt above has always stuck in my mind, but I don't think I ever realized the magnitude and depth of this seemingly simple children's story until just now. As I watched this again on YouTube I found myself beginning to tear up. The wise words of the Skin Horse ring out, "He knew that they were only toys and that they would never turn into anything else." Throughout my life I have always felt to some degree a sense of my invisibility, whether by my own misgivings or not. Quickly forgotten and easily tossed aside like the Velveteen Rabbit, I wanted to become Real. It's about loving, and being loved, and with that love inevitably comes pain. Pain is what shapes us, making us Real, giving us abilities that go beyond present concerns.

"When you are real, you don't mind being hurt."
That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or who have sharp edges, or have to be carefully kept"

You have to become real, and once you do, it lasts. I believe that to become real is the most beautiful thing one can become.

"...once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

(A Big Snuggie Hug to all!)

The more you have, the more you use

2010-03-30T14:34:00.000-07:00

(^ caught me by total surprise...I think he was trying not to laugh)

So somehow my apartment keeps running out of spoons. To remedy this situation I thought (logically) that I should buy more spoons, and then we wouldn't run out of spoons as quickly. I added about 8 spoons to the assortment already in the drawer to see what would happen and I swear we ran out of spoons faster this time.

I love ice cream so much, I usually buy a 1.5 quart (didn't it used to be 2 quarts? I swear...) and I go through it in about a week when I buy it (judge me all you want but I know it's the secret to maintaining my weight) Anyway, this time I bought a smaller container of ice cream and it took me longer to finish it. Fancy that.

I'm using this principle to cut down on all of the junk that has somehow accumulated in my room, and I also have a secret fear of becoming a hoarder (no, that will never happen) Yesterday as I was organizing my room (instead of researching for my paper of course) it took me well over an hour just to figure out how to situate all of my shoes in my Shoes Under, not to mention the fact that the number of pairs of shoes I own far exceeds the limit of space in the beloved Shoes Under, so then I had to figure out another container to use in addition. For some reason i can't just stick to a task and finish it promptly. I try really hard but my meandering thoughts usually get the best of me. Each pair of shoes brought back a flood of memories; so I kneeled there awhile, a different shoe in each hand, pondering as if in prayer, wishing an act as simple as putting shoes away didn't have to be so arduous. My knees became numb, and I became frustrated. If I can't even compartmentalize my shoes, how can I ever hope to compartmentalize my feelings?
I had to present to my anthropology class today the research I have done thus far for my paper. My teacher's response, "It's like you've grown a giant bush and you have a great deal of pruning you need to do" great.... I just need an off switch for my brain. I am too preoccupied at trying to know everything about everything, I can't ever seem to narrow my focus. I want to know what goes on in everyone else's minds; so many acquaintances but maybe one real friend (with whom I quite possibly have made things weird) I'm too paranoid and trusting at the same time.

I don't really know how to conclude this post, but I'm done now. So, the end.

The moment I said it

2010-03-24T10:11:00.000-07:00

In the past I have been plagued by nightmares and anxiety dreams; while they are scary and often cause me to wake up in panic, the contrast between them and my real life is at least somewhat comforting. Just the thought that it wasn't real and that my real life is so much better than what I dreamed is a good feeling.

but, lately, I have been having GOOD dreams, and quite frankly, I don't like it! every time I wake up now I'm thinking dang it, it wasn't real. This is a good sign however, in my opinion, because I believe that your thoughts are what become your actions and eventually your destiny. What a person thinks about becomes apparent and is the attracting force for good or bad. There is one theory on dreams that they are just your brain trying to make sense out of all the things a person thinks about during the day, whether consciously or not. Think about it (no pun intended), how many thoughts are streaming through your mind just in one second, and how many of them do you even realize you're thinking?

So I am going to do a little experiment from here on out and consciously try to control my thoughts and only focus on things that are good and positive; I want to attract people into my life who will be a positive influence and make me a better person and I hope that I can do the same for them.

P.s. This show comes back on next month! I'm kind of obsessed if you can't tell...

Just for now...

2010-03-23T15:11:00.000-07:00

When you really don't like a guy, they're all over you, and as soon as you act like you like them, they're no longer interested.
-Beyonce

In the library today between my two anthropology classes, after the snow decided to stop right after I got inside, I happened across a book in the new book section; How to be a Hepburn in a Hilton World, I started reading and couldn't stop, yet I couldn't help but feel somewhat guilty as if people were somehow judging me by my choice of reading material. Who cares though, I found it to be entertaining.

The quote above is from said book. It had a chapter that was highly reminiscent of the book (and now hit movie!...well not so sure about hit...I liked it well enough I suppose) He's Just Not That Into You. It's funny and a little sad how uncommon common sense has become lately. I will admit, I am prone to these failings of judgment from time to time, often leading to some degree of embarrassment.

One statement the author made concerning dating was that we shouldn't be with a guy who we've had to coerce, convince, or persuade to be our boyfriend. DUH! but still there are countless girls who feel that is the necessary truth. Boys like to chase things and I like to be chased (and chaste) so it kinda just works out perfectly.

I had a clever title for this but I forgot what it was...

2010-03-20T18:02:00.000-07:00

or...If I'm as bad as you, what good are we to each other?

dusty pink and green argyle knee-high socks. Oh those socks...
Holes have now worn through the heel of both and they are mostly thread-bare.

I was wearing them one day while walking to seminary

A barely remembered comment about the ridiculous nature of my socks is what ultimately led me to my now vast collection of leggings, lace tights, and knee-high socks.

I don't really know why, but it's like I wanted to prove something

"sure you can come hang out with us Amanda, but you have to promise you'll be happy"
that sentence still stings. I've never really considered myself to be unhappy, emotional at times, but never unhappy. In fact, I'm content with who I am. I guess I'm just looking for people who will be content with who I am in addition to that. I'm tired of having to censor myself because that isn't me. One thing about me, I am fairly certain I have the inability to be fake and I am the worst liar in the world. (so false accusations certain boy(s?) if you are reading this, I promise I never meant to break your heart and my intentions were never ulterior).

"if you know I'm not going to ask you out, if you know it would never work, why do you keep trying?"
because matters of the heart and matters of the mind contradict...
that is a good question though, why do I try so hard to make things work? especially when I know it's bad for me...

why do I always pursue the relationships that hurt me every time?
then I somehow sabotage everything because I think I know that I am going to get hurt

maybe I just need to grow up. part of me wishes I could become a completely different person, a person who everyone will just like, but I know i really don't want to. I really do like who I am and who I plan to be, it all just gets lost in translation somewhere between that and keeping real relationships alive.

I think if i can just shut off my emotions for awhile. Eliminate all of my apprehensions. Even just start over so people don't have ridiculously false preconceived notions about me.

I long for a real conversation with someone who genuinely cares.
to have a quiet moment to myself
to climb again and feel strong
feel loved
and to feel passion for someone else

until then I think I will pull those worn out socks back on my feet
to prove to myself, if nothing else,
that I am worth it

2010-03-03T12:27:00.001-08:00

getting slightly tempted to chop my hair off again. DON'T LET ME!!!!!!

2010-02-26T20:21:00.000-08:00

why do I always let my skewed perceptions get in my way? I think this is the lesson I am supposed to have learned a million times over...

"Happy is the heart that still feels pain"

2010-02-07T14:50:00.000-08:00

A) Aspirations...I'm obsessed with Ingrid Michaelson (have been for a while now). Her lyrics are fabulous and her voice has a quality I wish I somehow could obtain. (I like to title my posts with song lyrics, the title of this post is from an Ingrid Michaelson song).
B) This is my new Blog, welcome! please follow me, it's going to be fun!
C) coherent, cohesion, calamity, cathartic, cantankerous, capricious....Maybe I will share with you some of the many secrets of life. *cough* 42 *cough* My life...
D) is for Dog
E) Elephant: we found one made out of snow the other day; thus, Snowlephant!
F) Fricky frick frick frick...(If you don't watch Scrubs, you must, you simply must!)
....I think I will be done now, in Nepal it is a widely held belief that if a young girl learns more than 7 letters of the alphabet she will grow up to become either a witch or a prostitute. OOPS...